Fear- it’s a word that describes most of my life. It’s a feeling I still live with everyday. The worse part is not even knowing what the hell you’re afraid of, unless it’s everything.
I live with a constant lump in my throat and a feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me “RUN! DANGER! DANGER! SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS COMING!”. When you have had this for 30 years it is exhausting. You will do anything to get rid of it.
There are only a few things that stop this for me. Alcohol is one of them. Unfortunately the next day I am flooded with blocked Serotonin and feel 10 times worse.
While you are drinking alcohol, a wall is put up that blocks off the Serotonin going to your brain. Serotonin is what makes you feel “happy” or “good”. When the alcohol leaves your system, you are flooded with the blocked Serotonin leaving you feeling agitated, restless, sweating, with a headache, possible diarrhea, nausea, and shivering.
The other two things that help with my feelings of fear over everything are Klonopin or just sleeping. Neither of those are much of a solution either.
I’m not sure what I hate most. The actual fear and anxiety or not remembering the cause of it.
I don’t think most people can understand what a mindf*ck it is when several doctors tell you there’s something your own brain doesn’t want you to remember. (unlike Dr. Drew these gentlemen were experts in the field and one spoke before the Senate on behalf of people with Conversion Disorder). Some patients, once they are told, stop having symptoms. But like everything else there are varying factors. These people didn’t have dual diagnoses, addiction, or were diagnosed in an early stage.
When you have another mental health problem or two and are not diagnosed until later, your chances of the symptoms getting better are slim. That’s me. It isn’t that I have no hope or I want to wallow in misery. I just have no tolerance for sugar coating anything that shouldn’t be.
Bipolar Disorder, Addiction, and Conversion Disorder are horrific for some of us. It will not get better no matter what we do. There is no yoga, meditation, visualization techniques, acupuncture, aromatherapy, cupping, leeches, blood letting, crystals, spells, chanting, prayer, candles, rebirthing, that will do anything to improve my situation.
I’ve been told by more than 2 doctors that my only choice now is more ECT (shock therapy). I don’t know if I can handle it again. The horror in my sister’s eyes when she first saw me was a lot to take in. When she told me what I was saying and how frightened she was that she had “lost” me forever I didn’t understand at first. She thought I would be stuck as a little kid forever. I was talking like the both of us were 5 years old. I couldn’t differentiate what year it was or how old we were at first. It killed her when I kept asking when “Mommy was coming”. I don’t know how she did it. How she kept it together. I’m glad she told my dad to stay away for the day. I don’t think he could’ve handled it all.
I’ve seen my father sink to his knees and howl in pain once in his life. I never want to see it again.
That’s another problem. I can’t absorb meds or vitamins but I can absorb other peoples pain. I’m a sponge. It sinks into me and finds a home. I almost welcome it.