As far back as I can remember my twin sister and I always received the same amount of presents under the tree. My mom made sure that neither of us felt that one got more than the other. It mattered a great deal to her. I just wanted her time. I still do.

When I was old enough to buy presents for my parents I went overboard. In our teens and early twenties my sister and I put both our names on the gifts. I was the one who usually paid for them. I let it happen. I knew every year that my sister would mysteriously or conveniently forget her wallet. It didn’t matter, I wanted to make sure my parents received the gifts they deserved. Neither one of them had much growing up and Christmas was probably not a good time for either of them. That’s why they made sure it was for us.

When my parents were married my father gave my mother a gold plated wedding band from K-Mart. They were married by a justice of the peace with only one witness. My sister and I were five years old. My mom didn’t care about fancy rings as long as she had my dad.

Secretly, she did want a “real” wedding ring. I never thought of my father as being the romantic type or very perceptive when it came to women. I didn’t give him enough credit.

I can’t remember how old I was. I believe I had to have been in my in my early teens for this special Christmas. I may not remember the year but I’ll never forget what happened.

My mom opened her usual gifts from my dad, household items. What every woman wants on Christmas. But there was one large box left. As she unwrapped it she found another wrapped box. This continued until she came to a small wrapped box. My dad didn’t make it easy. He used packing tape on all of the boxes. When she opened the small box it held a ring box. I immediately saw her face change. She wasn’t laughing anymore. Her face was red and she was silently crying. She looked afraid to open the ring box thinking it was a joke.

My dad finally cleared his throat and said “Honey, it’s okay, open the box”. When she did there was a beautiful diamond ring inside. I couldn’t stop crying at this point. Just watching the pure love and joy on that sweet woman’s face was enough for me. She didn’t care that it wasn’t a large diamond. What moved her was that my father did it out of love and on his own.

No matter what life had thrown at them they always faced it together. No matter what I did to them they loved me together. They were best friends, husband and wife.

My mind blocks out how long she’s been gone. I think it’s been 9 years but it still feels like yesterday. We stopped celebrating Holidays my father and I after she passed away. The rest of the family didn’t. Both of us just want to be left alone. I spend the time punishing myself for all of things I did not do and all of things I wish I had. I remember all of the things said, some good and some horrible. I am told that because I went undiagnosed for so long and also have Conversion Disorder that grief is different for me. I will most likely never be able to achieve any kind of closure.

In a way I’m okay with that. My father is 73 and on Dialysis. His health is slowly deteriorating before my eyes. I live with him and we are close. I’m not sure how I will handle losing him. I don’t think I will do well. This gaping hole in my chest that aches constantly can’t handle much more. I treasure the days I’m numb and manic. But there aren’t enough of them. There’s just this limbo.



  1. OH gosh no matter what you always have to keep trying to live, to strive for joy and sunlight. Don’t ever lay down for your demons! Like someone who was close to me once said “Better to die on your feet than on your knees.” You were given this tremendous gift called life, now you must do what you can to live, shine, breath! This was a wonderful story, but your story is still being written. Choose to LIVE IT!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do but it’s important to show the many people like me that they are not only ones who feel this way, who think these thoughts. We go on, but it is a tremendous struggle that is often dismissed or has more medication thrown at it. I’m medication resistant and so are many Bipolar people with more than one diagnosis and a late diagnosis. I don’t condone throwing in the towel. I let other people know they are not alone, they are not freaks, they have people who sometimes think like they do. If there is one thing I can’t stand is a blog with a ton of inspirational quotes and self help suggestions. I’m sorry, I’ve been in a bad mood lately.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I certainly understand what you are saying. And I am hoping you don’t perceive my blog to be that lol. I myself am bipolar have mild press and recovering alcoholic. I understand what you’re saying. I hope I didn’t offend you with my wanting to help

      Liked by 1 person

    • Not at all! I am unfortunately biting the heads off of everyone around me. (Not actually) This time of year is always the hardest. I never know if I want to run or stay in bed. Cut my hair off or color it. Buy an entire new wardrobe or $500 in perfume. I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin but too tired to do anything about it. I’m also thinking it might be possible I have Mono. I kind of hope I do. My twin just found out she does. She’s had it for over 9 weeks now and didn’t know. I’ve shared my ice coffee with her and who knows? I haven’t felt this bad in a long time. I don’t believe things happen for no reason. Thanks for understanding.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Why do you hope you have mono? lol, that’s odd. I do understand. And I am here any time you need to vent, I hope you know that I am sincere in that. You take care of you ok?

      Liked by 1 person

    • My twin sister was just diagnosed with Mono. She’s been contagious for about 9 weeks now. The doctor said she didn’t know how my sister was even functioning it’s that bad. They think it has damaged her spleen. In the last 9 weeks we have shared the same the same the same drinks. Every time I ask if she wants a coffee before I get to her house. She says no. Then she takes sips from my ice coffee. I’ve been more tired than usual, my neck hurts all the time, I have a constant headache, I get chills then I’m hot, maybe I’m grasping at straws. I also ate something that was supposed to be Gluten Free and wasn’t. That interferes with what little help I do get from medication. Sorry! I drugged the Chihuahua & have been alone for a long period of time. (I have to cut his nails. I didn’t drug him for fun or anything weird) lol


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