WHEN YOU WANT TO FEEL

Sometimes when I’m watching a television show I find myself envious of the characters. Couples in love, people with longing or sorrow on their faces. There are times where I can’t feel these emotions in real life. I can feel them through the actors on TV but that’s it.

I have felt great sorrow in my life and longing. I have been loved by my parents and my brother and sister. I return that love. Anytime I loved a person outside of my family it has gone horribly wrong. I have shut off that part of myself for a long time now.

I don’t bother to look at anyone when I venture out into the world. I keep my eyes down. If I engage in conversation it is only with sales people or cashiers.

There are days where I realize what I am doing and a wave of something crashes over me. I will sit in my car, shaking and crying. My brain will replay all the times I’ve been hurt. I’ll tell myself I deserved it, I should’ve done things differently, if only I had lost weight sooner that person would’ve loved me, or I should stay alone. It’s meant to be.

Will it ever end? This constant self loathing? I don’t think so. It’s been here for 43 years why would it end now? Everyone can give advice about therapy and how I am the one that controls how I feel about myself but when you have words drilled into you for so long you believe them.

I also felt like this before I had bad “relationships” or were around people that were happy to tell me I was shit. I sought them out to validate how I felt inside. And they did.

This isn’t a pity party. This is how it is.1979209_903471546381316_2376864659380596718_o

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About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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