I don’t want to keep explaining myself to everyone. When I start to stutter I don’t want to explain why. When my hands shake so bad I drop money everywhere I don’t want to apologize to the people behind me. I don’t want to argue with my dad anymore because he can’t understand why I’m crying. I don’t want my sister yelling at me to get help because I’m becoming worse.
I want to be left alone. For the most part I’m invisible. I’m only seen when I want to be seen. It isn’t worth it anymore. I’m down to my last cigarettes and usually I would be in panic mode. I don’t really care today. The dog keeps bothering me and I really just want to sleep. I dislike the Holidays immensely and there on their way along with my birthday and the anniversary of my mother’s death. We have not celebrated a Holiday in my house in years. The cold weather is making an impact on my behavior. I just want to disappear. I’m done. Maybe I can color a little. Or sleep. Certain people always win, I’m not one of them.