THIS IS US AND FAT MEMORIES

I just finished watching the first two episodes of This is Us. There is a story line about two obese people that meet at an Over Eaters Meeting. The focus is mostly on the woman and her family. There was a scene that hit me hard. She was telling her date that her life will always be about being “fat”. She will always be thinking if a chair can hold her or if she will be able to find an outfit for a special event.

At my largest, 270 pounds, I often wouldn’t sit on certain types of furniture. Any type of outdoor seating made me nervous. If wicker was involved I wasn’t going near it. I was skeptical about wood too. Sometimes I would wait until a guy I thought was around my size had sat in a chair first before I would sit in it. My best friend thought I was being silly. I knew I wasn’t because I had in fact broken a chair before at a family reunion. Memories stay with you.

I constantly thought about my weight. I would write “Please let me be thin” in the mist on the shower door every time I took a shower. I don’t know why I thought this would help. I would sign up for gym memberships and once I got there I would be so intimidated by the other members I would stop going. I tried every diet created.

Most of the women in my family are big. There are only a few who are not. You would think that would’ve stopped them from saying things to me. It didn’t. The only one who never said anything about my weight was my dad.

As you can imagine school was more than difficult. My sister never got involved. She stood with her own group and watched. It didn’t stop until my Senior year in High School. Even then it didn’t really stop I just started going to parties and drinking. When drinking I could handle the jokes better and wasn’t afraid to come back with my own. Unfortunately there were times I let myself get out of control. All the years had built up inside me and no matter how hard I tried people still saw me as “the fat girl”.

When I was ditched by my friend and the guy she was with because his sister only wanted a certain “type” at her party I kind of lost it the next time I saw them. No one should be treated like they are nothing or not good enough. My friend didn’t even know I was ditched until I told her. The guy said I didn’t show up. Stuff like this would continue through the years. If someone wants to hurt you they pick the most obvious flaw.

Now that I am 135 pounds there’s no one to show. I don’t really go anywhere. I still have a fantasy of running into all those people who hurt me. They wouldn’t care or remember. Only I still remember crying myself to sleep. Only I remember never having a date or going to Prom. I thought losing weight would make everything change. It hasn’t. My weight wasn’t my only problem. I’m my own problem and I always will be.