WEARY

I’m tired of reading the same clichés, the same self-help mantras over and over. I’m beginning to feel like an angry zombie. I’d like to know why I can’t be left alone. I never hurt anyone and I don’t drink. The one thing people can’t handle is seeing another person’s pain and tears.

They really do not want to witness this if they feel they have had a part in any of it. Guilt. I don’t blame anyone for my illnesses. It boils down to simple genetics and the brain. During this short time I’ve of writing I’ve tried to call my sister twice. No response. I was going to start the conversation by asking how she was for a change. I was going to cater to her needs. Why do I always feel the need to do this? Why am I begging someone to love me? Someone who is putting conditions on our relationship as twin sisters? You know what I really think about it? F*ck her. Sorry, but I’m getting worn out here, my patience is very thin.

There is a place I was thinking of going to. I would be interested in the testing and assessment. I would even be interested in one on one talk therapy. I’m worried about my insurance. My psychiatrist bills me for 70 minutes of Psychotherapy he doesn’t do. So I wonder what my insurance will do.

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2 responses to “WEARY

  1. Anger is a perfectly valid emotion. I’m feeling a lot of it myself lately, and weirdly, society says it’s okay to be angry – but most people can’t accept sadness/depression. It takes courage to stand by someone who is depressed or grieving and resist the urge to “fix” the person. I know when I’m having a shitty time, simply being with someone in the same room is better than them trying to make me feel better by cranking out platitudes or telling me what I need to be doing, or what I should be doing. It’s difficult to see someone suffer, but I’d wager that we suffer more when people reinforce the notion that we’re “broken”.

    And I agree; fuck her. Perhaps after she cuts everyone out of her life, she’ll realize it’s not the other people that are the total problem – she plays a role in the dysfunction.

    I know you’re resistant to treatment – but for talk therapy, I absolutely love MSW’s. They do a combination of techniques, and it really is patient guided instead of them giving you stupid exercises to do or rules to follow. It’s more like you’re talking to a good friend (one that you pay to be your friend 😉 ) who isn’t afraid to call you on your shit. They also charge much less than psychiatrists or psychologists, so insurance might actually like the idea better. Something to consider, at least.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s what I want. Once they start with the ” I want you to keep a journal and write down where you see yourself in 5 years”. With that woman, at that time, I honestly wanted to say “dead”. I hadn’t been diagnosed yet but was being sent to a million different therapists and doctors. She still doesn’t get how bad it was and still is for me. She says when anyone asks her about my Bipolar Disorder she tells them ” I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It is the most heartbreaking thing to watch someone deal with”. If she knows this than why treat me like she’s ashamed or I’m a burden? It’s scientific fact that as an adult if you have tried more than 4 combinations of Bipolar meds without success than there is going to be a huge problem treating you. When I wrote down all of the medications I’ve been on it filled 2 notebook pages. Enough is enough. Thank you for understanding.

      Liked by 1 person

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