Far Behind

I have days that seem to happen more often lately. From the time I wake up until around 1:00 p.m. I am extremely irritable . It’s to the point where I make an effort not to talk to people. Then there are days where I want to talk and almost want to argue with those around me. I never feel like I’m being heard. I feel invisible so often. I have felt invisible for so long. I say hurtful things to provoke a response. I do this with my twin sister the most. I think because I feel abandoned by her the most. I feel left behind.

It isn’t her fault that she could handle High School and College. She was able to go on dates with men and have actual relationships. She had boyfriends. My twin graduated from College and had a good job before moving to California to be with her boyfriend, who is now her husband. She took a huge leap but knew she loved him and went. It wasn’t all fun for her, she felt a little out of place there and it was hard to find work. What was I doing? Self destructing in the best way I knew how. Slowly but surely killing myself either with large quantities of Joaquin’s Ginger Flavored Brandy and Black Label or abusive men. There were too many times to count where I woke up with no memory of how I had gotten where I did or exactly where I was. A lot of times I had bruises, red marks, or cuts that I couldn’t remember either. Other people would have to tell me and that only happened if it was something they thought was funny.

I can’t remember a time where I didn’t seek my sister’s approval. She would say small things that cut me to the bone. I wasn’t allowed to drink or be drunk in her presence. I couldn’t use alcohol as a layer of protection. I remember in High School everyone was wearing leather Motorcycle jackets. I went with my sister to buy one. We each had saved money for one. She was always slimmer than me. I would guess a size 10 to my size 18. We started to try on jackets at a leather store in our local mall. She turned and looked at me in one. She started laughing loudly. I felt my face burn. I felt other people looking. She said “Never, ever, buy one of those jackets! You look so mean! You look like a big, bad, Motorcycle Mama!”. I put the jacket back and just watched her try them on, giving out compliments. She looks beautiful in all the pics she’s in with it on.

One afternoon we were out with my friend W. I don’t remember anyone else. They were trying on hats. I think Cowboy hats had made a comeback in High School. Again I was trying one on. I couldn’t get any of them to fit!! My head was too large for an XL hat! My sister made fun of this also and I laughed along. I probably teased her but I just don’t remember. She told me I wasn’t allowed to hang out with the same people she did. On our 21st? Birthday her roommates were having a surprise party for her. They felt bad that they were having a party for just her when it was my birthday too. She knew about the party and had told them that I was under no circumstances allowed to be there. She didn’t want to deal with me. Knowing these things hurt. They hurt more than I ever admitted.

I know and accept that I have hurt people with my Alcoholism and erratic behavior. I own any of the cruel things I’ve done and said. I wake up every morning with my brain screaming at me not to be here on this earth. I don’t think I was meant to be. My mom didn’t know she was having twins, I came out first. We were extremely underweight and had to stay in the hospital until we were over 5 pounds. I’ve never had a feeling of belonging.

FAR BEHIND~ CANDLEBOX             (A FEW LYRICS)

Now maybe    I didn’t mean to treat you bad    But I did it anyway

And now maybe    Some would say your life was sad    But you lived it anyway    And so maybe   

Your friends they stand around    They watch you crumble    As you fall to the ground

And someday    Your friends they stand beside as you were flyin’    Oh you were flyin’ oh so high

But then someday people look at you for what they call their own

They watch you suffer    Yeah they hear you calling home    But then someday we could take out time to brush the leaves aside so you can reach us

But you left me far behind

Now maybe I didn’t mean to treat you oh so bad but I did it anyway

Now maybe some would say your left with what you had    But you couldn’t share the pain

Now maybe I could have made my own mistakes  But I live with what I’ve known

And then maybe we might share in something great  But won’t you look at where we’ve gone

But then someday comes, tomorrow holds a sense of what I fear for you in my mind as you trip the final line

And that cold day when you lost control    Shame you left my life so soon You should’ve told me

But you left me far behind     You left me far behind

 

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10 responses to “Far Behind

    • I’m sorry for not responding sooner I left for Florida on August 20th. This is a favorite song of mine from Candlebox. It’s the emotion it’s performed with. This and 2 Pearl Jam songs. People sometimes dismiss Pearl Jam but with lyrics like they have in “Black” & “Release” I am left raw with feelings for days.

      Liked by 1 person

    • So many of the “Suits” were tired of the complaining. They had a legitimate complaint. Their fans were being gouged by fees and the price of concert tickets. They never gave up. Even if it meant playing in a field to an audience of 20.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Family is so complicated. My mom always had a simplistic view of family which I inherited from her. You love your family no matter what. You be there for them no matter what. My sister told me once after our mom passed away that it was my fault she didn’t receive the attention she deserved for doing the “right” things in life. She felt her College Graduation wasn’t celebrated as lavishly as it should’ve been and my parents should’ve contributed more to her wedding. She said because my brother and I were such f*ck ups and always demanded their attention and needed to be bailed out of situations, she didn’t get was owed to her. I never took money from my parents that I didn’t return threefold. I even paid to take the 2 of them to Las Vegas for a week at the Bellagio, tickets to Cirque de Soleil, a helicopter ride for dad over The Grand Canyon, and I always paid for all of the utilities and cable. They made enough money to save a little bit. My sister received $7,000 for her wedding. It was everything they had in their savings. My father built them an oak money/envelope wedding chest for the Reception. It had Gold trim and was hand carved with beautiful sailing ships. For some reason their wedding was Pirate/Irish themed. My dad has worked with boats his entire life. He sanded, carved, sketched, welded, and almost went blind working on that chest. He was so proud to give it to her. They forgot the keys for it on their 3 week Honeymoon. They smashed it to pieces, took the money, and left it on the beach.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m gonna go out on a limb here but your sis sounds like she has as many issues as you and your brother but isn’t as in touch with them as you are and lives in denial, which sucks for you as it’s easy to throw someone under the bus when you *think* you’re perfect and deserving. I think it’s also hard when you were raised as tho you’re supposed to do everything for family. I get that, but as someone who has had to detach from out-of-touch family
      members while I get healthy, I can attest that I’d be in a very dark place if I had kept up the family thing. The little breaks I’ve taken from certain relatives have been key to my health. You are so right. Family IS complicated. I wish you some much-deserved peace with this situation.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sibling relationships are so complicated, and I’m sure having a twin makes it even more that way. You write so clearly and eloquently, and I can feel such pain in your beautiful words. I don’t know if what I’m about say will help, but I hope it might offer a little insight or at least give you something to consider.

    I don’t have a twin, but I have a younger brother. Growing up, I felt like he always had our parents’ approval because he was a boy and extremely smart. I felt very average and mediocre compared to him. I did okay in school and had friends, but life was never especially easy for me — I see now that I had undiagnosed depression, anxiety and other stuff, but back then I’d say I just felt different. On the outside I looked like I had everything together for the most part.

    When I was in college & my brother was still in high school he became deeply addicted to drugs and now I see that he was having a difficult time all-around. Back then I thought he was selfish and destructive and I wasn’t nice and told him exactly how I felt back then. (I now have a better understanding of mental illness and addition.) He has struggled and I have no doubt that he still struggles. Recently, though, my mom and I were discussing him and Mom said that he felt like a “screw-up” compared to me. I honestly was shocked and never considered that there was anything HE could envy me for. Granted I have not suffered from the addiction issues that he has, but I kind of see myself as a bit of a screw-up compared to him. He is brilliant and has a good job in spite of his problems.

    The whole conversation with my mom has made me re-evaluate so many things that happened when we were kids. I was mean to him at times when I felt like he was insulting my intelligence, and I see now that he often criticized me and talked about my “stupid” friends or my intelligence in general, when the reality is — I was insecure and never felt smart enough. My brother was insecure about not having as many friends and maybe that he wasn’t as socially smart, extroverted, whatever you want to call it, as I was. It’s bizarre really.

    It sounds like you could use a lot of compassion from your sister and that having her support would mean a lot to you. I actually spent a lot of time being angry at my brother, but then I became friends with a woman who actually moved to the town where I was living for a recovery program in the area. Through that friendship (and through my own education) I saw addiction in a completely different light and in turn, developed a better understanding of my brother. It helped our relationship a lot. I also have been more willing to talk to him about my own struggles. I see now that before I played the Miss-Perfect role up when I was around him because I couldn’t stand the thought that he might have anything further to criticize me about. Our relationship is far from super-close, but we’ve made progress and I do think we are both more supportive of each other now that we have a more balanced view of each of our strengths and struggles.

    I tell you all this not to dismiss your feelings — you have every reason and right to be upset about some of things your sister did that you described (especially when y’all were in high school –OMG.) It is very obvious to me how hard you’ve worked and continue to work on yourself.

    Please keep fighting. You have so much to offer the world even when it may not feel that way. Your path is different from your sister’s. I believe if you continue searching you will find it. Love and light to you, friend.

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    • It’s made more difficult because she is aware of what she’s said and done and she’s aware of my Alcoholism and Mental Illness. She apologizes for nothing and chastises me for “living in the past”. That’s how my brain works specifically on bad days. She allows her newly sober husband to make rude comments to me and at one time come at me physically even though she knows it was not my doing. When she heard his apology all she said was his name in a mildly disapproving voice. I want the sister back that was willing to kick the sh*t out of a Doctor for causing me extreme trauma and stress. Maybe that time was a fluke. It isn’t just her. I feel this way with everyone around me. My sister gives ultimatums. She tells me I hate to “change” or she won’t be in my life. She can’t tell me specifically what I need to change. I’m a Bipolar, Alcoholic in Remission for 8 years with Conversion Disorder. It’s hard to change who I am when it’s different everyday.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Wow. That IS hard. It sounds like your sister has some significant issues of her own, and honestly her allowing her husband to make such comments is horrid. It also tells me she’s using you as an excuse to not examine her own stuff. I’m truly sorry, and I can certainly understand why you feel so hurt. As someone who has spent (and still spends) so much of my life feeling like nobody “gets” me, I can sympathize.

      Liked by 1 person

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