Monthly Archives: July 2016

I MIGHT NOT BE AS SMART AS I THINK

I joined a charity founded by Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. The goal is to help young women that have been victims of physical and verbal trauma. The majority of the money will go to Youth Villages. It’s loosely based on the song Janie’s Got A Gun. He changed it to Janie’s Got A Fund. I was one of the first people to donate so they consider me a “founding member”. They asked if I would like to do some fundraising by setting up a Fundraiser Page with Crowdrise.com. It is a reputable company and I believe in the cause having been through similar situations when I was younger myself. I also wanted to add a mental health spin and addiction spin because neither is mentioned.

The problem is I don’t know as much about computers as I thought I did. Supposedly I’m able to put it on here. I’ve spent 3 hours trying and talked to tech support for both companies. I’m unable to get it on other Social Media sites also. I am so disappointed in myself. This is something I believe in for once. I could actually make a difference.

So if anyone would like to try to find it you could go on http://www.crowdrise.com/the-bipolar-rambler-for-janies-fund. Or The Bipolar Rambler For #JaniesGotAFund. Who knows? I tried. It’s now been a total of 6 hours. I need a break!

Advertisements

IS IT BETTER NOT TO KNOW?

I had received a bill from Medicare and questioned some of the amounts. They were telling me I might be stuck paying a little over $2,ooo. They won’t be getting it anytime soon unless they want to take my one kidney and try to sell it. I’m not too worried about it because I just do not like Doctors or the entire Medical System to begin with.

So I looked up some charges from my Doctors. Yes, you can do that. Some Doctors offer Patient Portals. I read the notes from my last visit to my Psychiatrist. I don’t know why but they bothered me to the point I cried for 2 hours. Not really a surprise.

He had written: Bipolar Disorder, Current Episode: Severe Depression w/ Psychotic

Features. Conversion Disorder: Motor Symptoms w/ Severe Deficit

Patient should be Hospitalized but refuses.

The reason I was upset was I had never seen the word “Psychotic” used to describe me. No one had ever even said it. No one ever said it when they were mad at me or even joking. It was like reality smacking me in the face with a dead fish. I didn’t like it one bit.

What the world filled with people who do not have a mental illness doesn’t know is this “label”, “description”, now follows me everywhere. I feel like it’s tattooed on my forehead. I know it isn’t a rational thought but that doesn’t matter, I will think about it as much as my brain wants to.  That is MY BIPOLAR. It comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, flavors, and severity. It also comes in all forms of available treatment. Some will never find treatment, only something to make life tolerable. There are more of us than the Medical Community would like to admit to.

Some of this is due to how long we went untreated and were given certain antidepressants that may have exasperated the underlying problem. Add on self medicating with alcohol or drugs and you have the perfect storm. There are many Scientific statistics that I’m not going to bore you with.

There is a side issue I’m throwing in here. My father is going in for surgery on the 14th of July. It’s overnight. Once again I will be putting my own health at risk feeding his 250 plus pigeons, freaking out if one dies, trying to make sure if one hatches it gets medicine, making sure I have enough of my inhaler on hand or I’ll have to go to the ER, and taking him to the hospital and picking him up.

I was going to hop a plane and make my sister deal with all of it. But I can’t have that many dead animals on my conscious. Plus I would never forgive myself if something happened to my dad. They are fixing his Aortic Aneurysm. Wish me luck.

 


COLORING AS THERAPY

I love how the tongue came out on the Lion. It’s almost 3-D. I didn’t draw the pictures obviously. I only chose color patterns and colored them in. My father is the true artist in the family but for some reason refuses to do it anymore. Which is a shame because his work is beautiful. This takes my mind off of things and I get lost for a bit.


bpHOPE IS ABSURD

I’m sorry. I keep getting propaganda from this Magazine or Organization, and I asked them to stop 3 times and they keep sending it. I can not support anyone who encourages Bipolar people to believe they will be CURED by a change in lifestyle and diet. I have also seen them encourage commenters to tell their stories about being healed by Chakras and Healing Sticks! I’ve seen this magazine in Doctor’s offices.

It is scientific fact as of February 2016 that Bipolar Disorder is mostly genetics and sometimes brain deficits. UCLA, UCSF, Costa Rica, and Columbia all participated in this research. MRI studies compared people with Bipolar to those without. Studies showed subtle grey matter loss in the group WITH Bipolar Disorder. 738 people took part in the study. 181 had severe Bipolar Disorder. The MRI also showed irregularities with white matter in Bipolar people.

The loss of grey matter was especially in the brain regions controlling mood regulations.

MY MRI SHOWED A LARGE LOSS OF GREY MATTER AND WHAT LOOKED LIKE A LIGHTNING BOLT IN MY WHITE MATTER. THERE WAS ALSO SWELLING IN ONE AREA OF MY BRAIN WHERE I HAD LOST GREY MATTER. THERE WAS FLUID INSTEAD. I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE FOLLOW UP MRIS BUT NO DOCTOR EVER MENTIONED IT AGAIN. THIS WAS 7 YEARS AGO. I NOW HAVE EXCESS PRESSURE BEHIND MY EYES THAT MY EYE DOCTOR IS CONCERNED ABOUT BECAUSE IT ISN’T GLAUCOMA RELATED SHE THINKS IT’S BRAIN RELATED. I CAN’T SAY IT ENOUGH. ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF. ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF!!!!! IF YOU CAN’T, FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN!!!

Back on topic. I have Bipolar Disorder, I am Bipolar, I have a problem with alcohol, I am an alcoholic. There is no cure in the immediate future for either one of these. Yes you can take a pill that makes you violently ill if you drink alcohol. The problem is I know many who have gone on to drink anyway only to land in the ICU. If you want it bad enough, you will find a way. The other thing is with some of that medication, if you even wear too much perfume, the alcohol content in the perfume can permeate your skin and you can have a reaction. I just don’t think it’s worth it.

I like that my Psychiatrist says I’m in “Remission” from Alcohol. Or if I am stable with my meds I’m in a “Remission” phase with my Bipolar Disorder. I am not cured. I will never be cured. And I don’t think that’s being negative. I think that’s accepting some things I can’t control and learning to deal with it the best I can. There is so much pressure put on me from my family to “get better”. I forget if it was my dad or sister who asked “Why are you not better?” I won’t lie, it hurt to hear that. People forget Ihave coexisting conditions that act like a Domino Effect. I’ll have a Celiac attack which attacks my joints, muscles, brain, cognitive skills, and stomach. This causes a UTI and problems with my stents working. Then I have a problem absorbing my Bipolar Medications, which may or may not have GLUTEN in them, because my 1 kidney is having problems due to the UTI I got from somehow coming into contact with Gluten. Generic medications are not strictly monitored by the FDA and still mostly use Gluten as a binder or filler. The problem is the company will not admit it.

My Pharmacy has admitted to at least one company I was having problems with using Gluten. They let me change Generics only because of my Kidney Failure and the complications. I had to jump through hoops with Medicare.

There was a band on Live with Kelly this morning. The lead singer had been diagnosed with MS. His Doctor had put him on medication. The medication had side effects, including seizures. He stopped the medication and looked for a “Holistic” approach. He says he’s never felt better and doesn’t believe in medications.

This is ONLY WHAT I BELIEVE. Many people are misdiagnosed with MS and Parkinson’s Disease. My aunt was with MS and I was with Parkinson’s. Half the time Lyme Disease presents very much like MS. Without a MRI and Spinal Tap a Doctor can’t properly confirm or deny a diagnosis. I didn’t have Parkinson’s. I was diagnosed with Essential Tremors and then diagnosed with Conversion Disorder. Essential Tremors are Genetic. I knew of no one in my family that had them. Recently my father has developed them. It’s possible I have Essential Tremors with the Conversion Disorder. My dad’s dad passed away before he reached the age that they usually present. So he didn’t know. Mine would have been triggered early by the Conversion Disorder. There really is nothing you can do about them.

I seem to have an extreme reaction to those who have a platform that reaches thousands of people and they then use it to misinform or push an agenda that isn’t supported scientifically. Humans that are in pain, isolated, suffering, and desperate, will look for anything or any way to make that go away. To give false hope, whether it’s candles, pot, Chakras, whatever, is wrong in so many ways. I am offended that anyone would think that because I have a mental illness I am gullible or unintelligent.

I will never be “cured” of my alcoholism, Bipolar Disorder, Celiac Disease,or Kidney Disease. I can try to manage all of them to the best of my ability. I try to make sure that I don’t endanger myself or anyone else along the way. That is all I can do. I don’t lie to anyone about a cure or quick fix. It’s hard enough waking up everyday and hearing those closest to me lie. I won’t do it here.

 

 


Thanks For What You Think Is Support

You know those lists you see on Pinterest or Facebook that say “TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A  BIPOLAR LOVED ONE”. I think I have had every single one of them said to me in the last couple of weeks plus a few extra.

Between my father, sister, ex sister-in law, and best friend I’m ready to commit myself or give up entirely.

I heard some of the same things repeatedly. “I don’t know what to do for you anymore. You’re always depressed or negative.” “It’s too hard to be around you when you’re like this ALL the time!” (For the record the only other human I’ve been in the same room with is my dad. I have not been face to face with anyone else for more than 30 seconds in at least 6 months.) “You need more help. Join a group or something. Be with people who are like you.” “Yes, other people in the family are avoiding you. Sometimes it’s too exhausting to be around you.” “I love you, but I don’t think we can have a relationship anymore. I have to think of my own well being” (My twin sister. This meant not seeing the kids either and felt like I had been kicked in the chest).

Now imagine hearing all of this in a 2 week span while dealing with a medication change, ANOTHER kidney infection and another round of antibiotics interfering with your medications, dealing with a sick father you live with, rapid cycling, and just overall feeling like crap. It doesn’t help.

I don’t want anyone to fix me. I don’t want advice from them. What I want is for one of them to call and say “Hey! Want to grab a coffee and take a ride?”. Simple as that. Not one of them will do it. It’s like I now have leprosy. My sister did invite me to go to the Aquarium with her and the kids this week. But of course I somehow ruined it during the conversation. She made it clear that we couldn’t stay overnight and had other rules. There was a time where we would have stayed at a Hotel for few days with the kids and walked around. I can only assume she doesn’t want to be around me that long. It isn’t the money. I know that.

I’m becoming tired of everyone telling me to change. Telling me everything I do wrong. I have had to deal with so much this year. I’m at the point where if they don’t understand I’m ready to cut them loose.


FIREWORKS

I used to love the 4th of July. Every year I would buy a new outfit, have my hair done, put on my make up, and get anxious to have the night start. I knew I would see “friends” and probably meet new people. It was fun for me most of the time.

When I stopped drinking I didn’t expect that ALL of my “friends” were going to slowly disappear except one. And even that one would stop inviting me to anything and everything. I wasn’t “The Fun Dana” anymore. Although she remembers all the bad things, humiliating things, and dangerous things I did while drinking, she still missed “The Fun Dana”. She also didn’t want to put me in a position where I might be “tempted” to drink.

The first year or so of sobriety I could understand this. At year 7 almost 8 it pisses me off. When last 4th of July I was told her and her boyfriend weren’t doing anything except cooking outside and maybe watching a movie I didn’t believe her. I decided to stop by.

When I got to her road and looked down it, I could see the cars parked up and down the street. She lives at the end and then there’s the beach. I parked and went around back where there were people I didn’t know. I saw my best friend of 30 years walking towards me with a pretend smile on her face. I could tell she was already buzzed. She yelled my name and gave me a hug. I stayed 15 minutes and left. We never discussed it and I still don’t get invited to anything.

My sister has been at her in-laws beach house for the last few weeks. She has disowned me. One less person to talk to. The only other person I talked to keeps texting me for money or Adderall. I decided that I am no longer enabling her. Another one bites the dust.

My father called the drugstore today and yelled at the Pharmacist for 10 minutes when it was really my dad’s fault. My dad has been extremely hard to live with lately and I’m sure he thinks the same about me.

I’m sad all the time lately. I think about the people I’ve lost like my mom. I don’t know how to be happy. I never really learned how to let go and just be. I know I have felt happiness while drinking. Many times while I sat by the ocean with just my best friend and the waves. We would talk for hours and laugh for hours, looking at the view and feel content. We would even say it out loud. Maybe that was pretend but felt real. Her and I were loners for so long. I do miss being with her. We were a team for so long I never acknowledged the fact it was like a break up when I stopped drinking. Maybe she felt a loss in some way too. I should’ve asked.


%d bloggers like this: