THERE IS NO CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

MY EARS NEVER HEAR THE CONSTUCTIVE PART OF CRITICISM. MY EARS ONLY HEAR THE PARTS WHERE I’M TOLD I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. THE PARTS THAT SAY “REALLY? YOU COULDN’T EVEN GET THAT RIGHT? NO WONDER EVERYONE RUNS FROM YOU!”. THIS IS A CYCLE THAT’S BEEN GOING ON IN MY BRAIN FOR SOME TIME NOW. AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER. AND EVEN THIS I AM JUDGED ON. I AM TOLD I DO NOT TRY HARD ENOUGH TO CONTROL.

MY SISTER AND I BOTH HAVE CELIAC DISEASE. SHE FEELS FREE TO SAY WHATEVER SHE WANTS WHEN IT COMES TO MY BEHAVIOR. I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT WHEN SHE GOES OUT WITH HER HUSBAND OR FRIENDS SHE ISN’T REALLY CAREFUL ABOUT GLUTEN. SHE ALSO ISN’T SENSITIVE TO HER HUSBAND’S NEW SOBRIETY. SHE KEEPS WINE IN THE HOUSE FOR HERSELF AND IF HE ASKED NICELY AT THE CONCERT THE OTHER NIGHT AND THERE WERE “RULES” PUT IN PLACE, SHE WOULD’VE AGREED TO “LET” HIM DRINK BECAUSE HE FELT UMCOMFORTABLE. WITH ME SHE WOULD’VE SCREAMED AND PROBABLY SLAPPED ME, THEN TOLD ME SHE WASN’T GOING TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN.

MY SISTER ALSO WOULD’VE SUGGESTED A HOSPITAL STAY. MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN LIKE THIS IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. EVERYONE THINKS THAT I EXAGGERATE EXCEPT MY BEST FRIEND. SHE’S SEEN AND HEARD MOST OF IT.

MY MOTHER, THE QUEEN OF SNACKS AND ALL THINGS FRIED, WOULD SAY THINGS ABOUT MY WEIGHT. SHE WOULD SAY “MAYBE IF YOU SKIPPED THE ICE CREAM? OR DIDN’T HAVE ANY CHIPS?”. OF COURSE SHE WOULD BE EATING ONE OF THESE ITEMS WHILE TELLING ME THIS. I DIDN’T HAVE MONEY YET OR KNOW HOW TO DRIVE. SHE DID THE GROCERY SHOPPING. IF THE PACKAGE SAID NEW ON IT SHE BOUGHT IT EVEN IF IT WAS THE MOSE UNHEALTHY THING IN THE STORE.

SCHOOL WAS SCHOOL. FROM THE TEACHERS TO THE STUDENTS THERE WAS NO HIDING. MY SISTER IGNORED ME AND WE WERE NOT ALLOWED TO BE IN THE SAME CLASSES TOGETHER. I REMEMBER ONE GYM CLASS IN PARTICULAR. IT WAS THE GYMNASTICS ROTATION. THEY DIDN’T KNOW I WASN’T ALWAYS FAT. AT ONE TIME I WAS ACTUALLY GOOD AT THE UNEVEN BARS, THE BALANCE BEAM, AND RINGS. BUT BY MY FRESHMAN YEAR IN HIGHSCHOOL NONE OF THAT WAS HAPPENING.

WHEN ONE FEMALE GYM TEACHER FOUND ME HIDING IN THE LOCKER ROOM SHE WAS NICE ABOUT IT BUT INSISTED THAT I DID THE VAULT. YOU RUN DOWN A LONG MAT GAINING SPEED, JUMP ON A SPRINGBOARD THEN OVER THE VAULT. I DID IT BUT LANDED RIGHT ON TOP OF THE FEMALE GYM TEACHER. THIS GYM TEACHER WAS SHORT, WITH CLOSE CROPPED HAIR, AND HAD BUILT A REPUTATION AS A LESBIAN. WHETHER SHE WAS OR WASN’T, I DIDN’T CARE. I WAS ALREADY HUMILIATED FOR FLATTENING HER LIKE A PANCAKE. EVERYONE ELSE WAS INTERESTED IN BOTH. SO I HAD TO ENDURE BEING CALLED A VARIETY OF LOVELY AND SURPRINGLY INVENTIVE NAMES CONSIDERING THE PEOPLE IN MY SCHOOL.

I HAVE A PLETHORA OF ADVICE OF HOW I’M DOING “BIPOLAR WRONG”. I WASN’T AWARE THAT THERE WAS A RIGHT OR WRONG WAY. SINCE MY SISTER GOES TO A SUPPORT GROUP SHE KNOWS ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW. THE PEOPLE IN THE SUPPORT GROUP ARE ALWAYS RIGHT BECAUSE THEY THEMSELVES ARE BIPOLAR, RIGHT? OH, WAIT! THEY ARE NOT BIPOLAR OR MENTALLY ILL THEY JUST HAVE A “LOVED ONE” WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS SO THAT GIVES THEM ALL THEIR KNOWLEDGE. I FEEL SO BAD FOR THEM. THE PURE HELL THEY MUST GO THROUGH. I MEAN THEY CAN’T EVEN WALK AWAY FROM IT CAN THEY? OH, WAIT. WRONG AGAIN. THEY DON’T LIVE WITH IT 24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK. THEY CAN GO HOME AFTER THEIR MEETING AND GO ON WITH THEIR “NORMAL” LIVES. HOW NICE FOR THEM.

I UNDERSTAND THAT “CAREGIVERS” AND “LOVED ONES” NEED SUPPORT. WHAT I DO NOT LIKE IS A FAMILY MEMBER COMING TO ME WITH NEW “STRATEGIES FOR ME TO COPE WITH OR HANDLE MY DISORDER BETTER”. OR TELLING ME THAT THEIR “GROUP” DOESN’T THINK I’M TRYING HARD ENOUGH. WHY DON’T YOU AND YOUR GROUP COME OVER HERE WHEN OUR FATHER HAS RISKY SURGERY THURSDAY AND FEED HIS 250 BIRDS PLUS CLEAN THE HOUSE AND TAKE CARE OF THE 2 PARROTS INSIDE? WHY DOESN’T YOUR GROUP WANT TO GO INTO 8 DIFFERENT COOPS OF PIGEONS FLYING AROUND YOUR HEAD WITH I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY INCHES/FEET OF DROPPINGS ON THE FLOOR?

IT’S OK FOR ME TO DO IT THOUGH. I ONLY HAVE STAGE 3 CHRONIC KIDNEY DISEASE, OSTEOARTHRITIS, SPINAL STENOSIS, IRON DEFICIENCY ANEMIA, CELIAC DISEASE, VITAMIN D RESISTANT RICKETS (DON’T LAUGH), LEUKOPENIA (VERY LOW WHITE BLOOD CELLS), LYMPHOCYTOPENIA, LEUKOCYTOPENIA, I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE LAST TWO EXCEPT IT MEANS I’M MORE OPEN TO INFECTIONS AND IT HAS TO DO WITH MY WHITE BLOOD CELL COUNT. IT MAKES ME A LITTLE NERVOUS BECAUSE MY UNCLE PASSED FROM LEUKEMIA BUT WHO KNOWS? NO ONE REALLY TELLS ME ANYTHING.  I ALSO CARRY A HIGHER LEVEL OF M PROTEIN IN MY BLOOD MAKING ME A HIGHER RISK FOR DEVELOPING CANCER. BUT DON’T WORRY I CAN STILL TAKE CARE OF MY DAD AND THE BIRDS BY MYSELF.

IN AUGUST I THINK I’M GOING TO BOOK A VACATION TO NAPLES FOR 12 TO 14 DAYS. MY SISTER OR SOMEONE ELSE WILL HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. DUTCH’S SURGERY WILL BE DONE, MINE HOPEFULLY WILL HAVE GONE WELL, AND MY DAD’S WILL HAVE GONE WELL. I’LL BE NEAR MY MOM’S SISTER IF I HAVE ANY PROBLEMS AND THEY HAVE REALLY GOOD RATES THEN. I CAN’T PREDICT THE FUTURE BUT I KNOW THAT RIGHT NOW I’M NOT LIVING OR DOING ANYTHING I WANT TO DO. I’M ON PINS AND NEEDLES ALL TIME. CRYING, HEART RACING, JUMPING AT LITTLE THINGS, MY OWN FATHER STARTLES ME WHEN HE YELLS MY NAME. I DON’T WANT US TO BE LIKE THAT I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH. IF ONE PERSON MENTIONS PRIORITIES OR MONEY I MIGHT NEED BAIL MONEY. (JUST KIDDING)

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One response to “THERE IS NO CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

  1. Your sister sounds like a bit of an evil scarecrow. Pay her no mind, she seems to be a control freak. I know its easier said than done (I’m still trying to learn) when she goes off at you she’s actually transferring HER own issues onto you. She’s not even aware she’s doing it. It’s not about you. Its about her. And she doesn’t have the self-awareness to even realise it. Maybe that could be used as some armour to protect yourself from her tirades. ‘Cos she sounds like a tornado!!

    Liked by 1 person

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