YOU’RE UNCONTROLLABLE

Today I am going to discuss what it is like living with Conversion Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.

If you don’t know what Conversion Disorder is, it’s a difficult psychiatric disorder involving some kind of trauma that your brain can’t handle remembering. This memory needs to come out or be expressed in some way. The way your or should I say my brain copes is to cry, tremor and stutter when I am faced with a trigger or stressful event.

It’s a little scary not knowing that there’s an event in your life you don’t want to remember. There have been some pretty horrible things in my life that I wish I could forget, to know there might be something worse is freaky. I won’t lie, it bothers me quit a bit. No one else in my family will talk about it.

When you have Bipolar Disorder and Conversion Disorder it makes your treatment more difficult to nearly impossible. I try not to focus on the life expectancy of people with both disorders. Then once I add in Celiac and having 1 kidney I might as well start my bucket list.

What I can’t understand is the fact that my family doesn’t understand any of this. My meds still have not been adjusted to account for having only 79% kidney function. I found out recently that it does matter and affect how your Bipolar meds work. My Psychiatrist said it didn’t. No wonder my moods are all over the place. I jump at every loud noise, cry every morning, stutter every time my dad says something I think is an insult. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time.

The stuttering is the worse. I’ve had people walk away from me, mimic me, finish my sentences, or ask if I want to write down what I need to say. I would except for my hands tremor too much to write when I get like this. If people would just have a little patience I could calm down on my own and get through it. The worse thing was calling 911 for my dad and having them not be able to understand me. I felt so helpless.

This brings me to a little side story. There is a State Trooper that lives in our neighborhood. He must know my record. I remember he showed up when my dog was hit by a drunk driver right before my mom passed away about 9 years ago. He wasn’t exactly sympathetic then. I was arrested for DUI after my mom passed away a town over. I’m pretty sure he probably knows. Every time I would see him I would get this cocky look. When I had to call 911 for my dad when he hemorrhaged in the bathroom the State Trooper showed up. He just stood there with his arms folded across his chest, smiling and chewing gum. I then heard him talking to one of the EMTs. He asked why there were so many of them. The guy said the call sounded serious. The Trooper said “Nah, the daughter’s just nuts”. I can’t say I was surprised to hear this. My dad was only bleeding out on our bathroom floor so why should I expect any less? This happens often. What would he say if I told him his boss drank every night at the same place I used to? That his boss would often try to grab me and make me sit on his lap because his chair blocked the women’s bathroom? That he would sit there for 6 hours straight drinking then drive home? Everyone has their issues. To judge me or anyone else in a profession that requires you to reserve judgement doesn’t inspire me to trust you to do your job.

Advertisements

About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

2 responses to “YOU’RE UNCONTROLLABLE

  • Pieces of Bipolar

    That guy sounds like a complete asshole. Whatever happened to ‘Protect & Serve’?? Not sure if you take lithium, but if you do then kidney function is of paramount importance. Your Conversion Disorder sounds debilitating. What a heavy load you bear ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      Thanks. I refused Lithium from the start because my Aunt had always been on it and usually sounded loud and drunk. I never wanted to be like her. She’s now having a toxicity problem because of the lithium.

      Liked by 1 person

You must be logged in to post a comment.

%d bloggers like this: