I used to love the 4th of July. Every year I would buy a new outfit, have my hair done, put on my make up, and get anxious to have the night start. I knew I would see “friends” and probably meet new people. It was fun for me most of the time.
When I stopped drinking I didn’t expect that ALL of my “friends” were going to slowly disappear except one. And even that one would stop inviting me to anything and everything. I wasn’t “The Fun Dana” anymore. Although she remembers all the bad things, humiliating things, and dangerous things I did while drinking, she still missed “The Fun Dana”. She also didn’t want to put me in a position where I might be “tempted” to drink.
The first year or so of sobriety I could understand this. At year 7 almost 8 it pisses me off. When last 4th of July I was told her and her boyfriend weren’t doing anything except cooking outside and maybe watching a movie I didn’t believe her. I decided to stop by.
When I got to her road and looked down it, I could see the cars parked up and down the street. She lives at the end and then there’s the beach. I parked and went around back where there were people I didn’t know. I saw my best friend of 30 years walking towards me with a pretend smile on her face. I could tell she was already buzzed. She yelled my name and gave me a hug. I stayed 15 minutes and left. We never discussed it and I still don’t get invited to anything.
My sister has been at her in-laws beach house for the last few weeks. She has disowned me. One less person to talk to. The only other person I talked to keeps texting me for money or Adderall. I decided that I am no longer enabling her. Another one bites the dust.
My father called the drugstore today and yelled at the Pharmacist for 10 minutes when it was really my dad’s fault. My dad has been extremely hard to live with lately and I’m sure he thinks the same about me.
I’m sad all the time lately. I think about the people I’ve lost like my mom. I don’t know how to be happy. I never really learned how to let go and just be. I know I have felt happiness while drinking. Many times while I sat by the ocean with just my best friend and the waves. We would talk for hours and laugh for hours, looking at the view and feel content. We would even say it out loud. Maybe that was pretend but felt real. Her and I were loners for so long. I do miss being with her. We were a team for so long I never acknowledged the fact it was like a break up when I stopped drinking. Maybe she felt a loss in some way too. I should’ve asked.