I know the title doesn’t make sense but I’m all over the place lately. Right now I’m extremely down. I should’ve seen it coming. I hate this weather, it’s always bad for me when it stays cold and rainy too long.
There are things I want to do. I want to travel. I want to try to sell my jewelry. But there are things I NEED first. I don’t want to do any of them. An eye exam, buying glasses and contacts, neutering my dog, paying hospital bills, taking care of my dad.
I’ve also had this need to rant a lot lately! The first is because a person put a meme on their Facebook Page that I thought was kind of rude but no one else did. It was a female Doctor talking to her female patient. She says “Don’t worry, you’re not Bipolar. You’re just a f*cking bitch!”. I didn’t want to say anything but the more I thought or obsessed over it the more it bothered me.
Then I watched an interview with a musician that I used to respect. He makes money off of other people’s misery. It bothers me. I hate fake people. He writes about addiction, depression, and suicide. He has experienced these things but has a casual view when it comes to himself. His writing is what draws the fans in. Too bad he has a habit of blocking or talking badly about his fans on Social Media. He does read most of what written. If he thinks you are annoying or you don’t agree with him, you’re gone. I wish his fans knew that about him. I’m not paranoid. I had my sister double check what I was saying and her husband is in the music business. It shouldn’t bother me but it does.
It bothers me lately that I’ve wasted so many years loving a man that was never going to love me back no matter what I did. We got along so well, laughed together, told each other everything, flirted and went on like this for years. Then I found out he was getting married and was expected to put $75 in a pool for his wedding gift! He never admitted to having a girlfriend. I waited. He got married in 2003. I waited. They had 2 children together. I waited. I wake up one day and realize it’s 2016 and I’m still waiting! Probably because we still talk. I think it’s odd that he only has his kids on his Facebook page and NO pictures of his wife. Not anywhere!
I always thought “If I could just lose weight maybe he would love me, if I only had the right clothes, hair, make-up, breast size, etc. he would love me”. Guess what? I went from 270 pounds to 125 pounds, I now have beautiful red hair, light blue eyes, nice clothes and make-up. IT DOESN’T MATTER! It was never going to happen. Now I have nothing left to give to someone else. I’m too tired. I’ve been hurt too many times. Physically and emotionally. Everyone around me says “You’re so lucky you never got married!” “You’re so lucky you never had kids!” Are they all mentally challenged?! Of course I wanted those things and thought I would have them. But my alcoholism and mental illness had other ideas. Why do most of the public feel it’s ok to comment on someone’s life? I’m tired of that too.
I just told another bill collector I’m dying and to leave me alone. I have to stop saying that! I think it’s funny but I’m twisted like that.