TO EXPERIENCE

I can only relay what I have experienced with my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder and Alcoholism. I can also tell you what I HAVE NOT experienced because of Bipolar Disorder and Alcoholism.

My health is a little up in the air right now. It’s reached the point where I think of the things I’ve never done. Things that I would like to before I can’t.

To be touched by a man that loves me without violence or alcohol.

I’ve never had that.

To be kissed by a sober man or even hold hands with one while I am also sober.

I’ve never done that.

To  travel by myself somewhere warm and just breathe.

To have happiness for longer than a week.

For people to see me as I really am. Or to be seen at all.

To be able to make friends easily to ease the loneliness.

These are not huge things but to me they are. I still work on them but feel time is running out. Some things I’ll have to accept won’t happen. That’s ok. As long as I am me and not pretending to be someone else.

 

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About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

2 responses to “TO EXPERIENCE

  • Pieces of Bipolar

    I love your post. Even though I’m not an alcoholic, I am part of the illness as a co-dependent/enabler, and I can relate to so many of your wishes as wishes of my own – the desire to make friends, not be invisible and have a man who is not drunk or violent. Gosh, when I write it out it makes me feel sad

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      It is a sad disease that as an alcoholic you never stop to think what you’re doing to the people around you. I was extremely selfish in my alcoholism. It’s hard not to go back to my old behaviors. Not drinking but allowing people to use me and hurt me. I could never stand up for myself unless I was drunk. I’m slowly trying to change that. Everyone deserves to be seen and treated with respect. It’s easier said than done but it can happen.

      Liked by 1 person

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