Monthly Archives: February 2016

IS SOMEONE HURT?

This is how my twin sister now answers her phone when she sees it’s me calling her. The first time I thought she was joking. She wasn’t.

When I tell her that everyone is fine she responds with “Ok, well I’m taking a nap so bye.” and hangs up. If I need to tell her something about our father or my health she will listen briefly.

It’s school vacation for my nephews. The last time I was in the Hospital and when we drove to Mass General she mentioned the two of us doing something with the kids. She said maybe a Hotel and the Aquarium. I was excited and happy. I should’ve known better.

My ex-sister in law called my father to ask if he wanted to meet her and MY SISTER’S KIDS at Chuckie Cheese. She said she knows he doesn’t see them often because my  sister doesn’t like coming to our house and by the way neither does she.

I then found out my sister was taking the kids to Maine with her mother in law and sister in law for 4 days of their vacation week. My sister in law was taking the kids Thursday morning and bringing them back Friday afternoon. As you can imagine that didn’t leave time for me to take them somewhere as promised.

When I asked my sister about this she said she didn’t remember any of that conversation with me. I also was a little pissed that my ex-sister in law took it upon herself to invite OUR FATHER to visit with my SISTER’S KIDS and her telling him his own daughter doesn’t like to come to our house. I could care less if my ex-sister in law ever came to our house, but you don’t say that to a 73 year old man on Dialysis who just had another health scare last week when he was hours from having a stroke.

The biggest reason the two of them do not like coming to our house is because of the 3 dogs and 2 birds in the house. In the last 6 months we have lost 2 of our beloved dogs. My father was devastated at both deaths. Yes they were of a senior age but we thought they were still healthy because of their actions. They were both still running around, playing, eating, drinking and showed no signs of illness. The one who passed recently had a heart murmur so we knew in the back of our minds that our time with him was coming to an end. The way he was found by me was traumatic. I didn’t take it well. Neither my twin sister or ex-sister in law said a thing about their deaths. Neither of them are animal lovers. The dogs would bark too much when people visited and that would set off the birds squawking. It was too much chaos for them. I repeatedly told them that if they just came in and went right to the couch and relaxed it would stop. The dogs were not used to having people in the house. My father and I do not get many visitors. Ok, I lied. We only get the mail person everyday. So how did they expect the dogs to act? They didn’t bite or anything they just barked at first. They were 3 lapdogs. One a 5 pound medium haired Chihuahua and the other a 10 pound Papillion. Both beautiful.

I think it was up to my sister to invite my father to spend time with her kids and not someone else. Plus her blowing me off with the kids hurt. They had an amazing time by the way. A sleigh ride and a Hotel with an indoor pool that had a tunnel going to a heated outside pool. They were in it for hours while the snow fell. How nice. Sorry I don’t have the money that her mother in law has but I was still going to pay for a nice Hotel for all of us to do something together.

Over the years I’ve paid many times for my sister and I to go away places. I did it with both pregnancies because she was feeling down. Even after both kids were born I took her on an expensive Spa Vacation. She said she would pay for some of it. When I went to pick her up her husband said “By the way we’re broke so she can’t really spend any money”. This did not stop her from booking the most expensive facial and the most expensive massage. She also ordered the most expensive items on the Menu at the restaurant attached. The final straw for me was her ordering 3 glasses of expensive wine each night knowing I was sober for about 2 years and making me pay for it. I could’ve said no to everything she did. I didn’t because I love her and thought she needed a break. When she received a chunk of money I was never paid back for anything. I still didn’t say anything.

After recent events I decided no more. If I want to go somewhere from now on it’s alone. I’m not going to pay family to spend time with me and take advantage of me. If I wanted that I never would have quit drinking and stayed in the gutter with the rest of the leeches. I know it sounds harsh but I am beyond showing that it bothers me.

So once the weather is warmer and my health is better I am going to try to make some friends and do more activities alone but where I can meet people with similar interests.

On a different note. I stopped taking my Topamax (mood stabilizer). The first reason is it causes kidney stones. The second reason is I noticed that I felt better without it when I ran out due to insurance issues. When I went back on it I was crying first thing in the morning again and very irritable until about 2:00 p.m. so I tried stopping it again. The crying and irritability stopped. The only problem is at night I feel like my arms and legs are being pulled from their sockets. I have arthritis and osteoporosis in my hips and pelvis but I don’t remember anything being wrong with my shoulders. I don’t know if this is a withdrawal symptom or not. If anyone has had a similar experience let me know.

I might be a little manic at the moment so excuse the rambling, but you knew what you were getting into when you picked to read me by my site’s title. lol

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SHE

She was born on a mountain April 1945 that became Fayetteville, NC.

She was born with nothing and longed for a better life.

She took care of her brothers and sisters when there was no one.

She sacrificed an education to provide, only making it to Middle School.

She first saw He at the same school and would find her better life.

She went through much pain and heartache before He.

She eventually married bringing her 7 year old son with her.

She loved He for loving both of them.

She and He had twin daughters, She was over the moon.

It would take He a little longer to come around.

She wanted a house full of He’s children, but it was not to be after the Cancer.

She accepted this unexpected blow and instead became everyone’s She.

She loved to cook for and comfort the wounded souls around her.

She supported, loved, and gave me hope almost everyday.

She became sick again and this time left us, me, with a hole inside.

She passed February 21, 2008 I remember the pain and fear in her eyes.

She is so beautiful, from her hands to her big blue eyes that

He still sees when he looks into his daughters faces.

She is missed the most by Me, her daughter, with the sorrow filled soul.

She is my mom. Gone 8 years now and it feels like an hour ago.

I grieve the hardest, loudest, and longest.

Because like she I love harder, louder, and longest.

 Mother, Daughter, Sister, Grandmother and She.

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Secret In Their Eyes-A Review & Commentary

“While seeking revenge, dig two graves- one for yourself”~ Douglas Horton

 

I have always been fascinated by the concept of Revenge. In my own life I have struggled with wanting vengeance on people in my past. It is a difficult path to walk, wanting it and doing it are so very different. I would like to say I have evolved on the subject but I would be lying.

SECRET IN THEIR EYES

STARRING: Chiwetel Ejiofor, Nicole Kidman, and Julia Roberts.

BASED ON: A 2005 Argentinian Novel “La Pregunt de sus Ojos”  or “The Question in Their Eyes”

OSCAR: In 2009 the Argentine film version of this novel won the Oscar for Best Foreign Film.

I have not seen the original version of this movie so I found this one to be intelligent, thought provoking, and well acted.

A team of FBI investigators Ray (Ejiofor) and Jess (Roberts) along with their D.A. supervisor Claire (Kidman) is ripped apart after a case involving Jess’s daughter is covered up. Jess’s daughter is found raped and beaten to death in a dumpster next to a Mosque. Their assignment has been in Terrorism and this causes problems when a suspect is a member of the Mosque. He’s also feeding information to a member of their team.

When it’s decided he be released for the “greater good” of the Country and disappears the team can’t handle it and breaks. The decision made was not to risk the life of thousands over one dead girl. The movie’s sentiment, not mine.

For 13 years Ray searches through mug shot books looking for the guy that got away with murder. When he finds a new lead and goes back to Jess and Claire to reopen the case it reveals a bevy of secrets and self-destruction.

Nicole Kidman’s interrogation scene was riveting. I’m not usually a fan of her work but she played this part well. Julia Roberts played the somber, disillusioned, tortured mother without fault. All of the acting was the way it should be. Natural.

The movie asks the question should you trust the Justice System, if it let’s you down do you have the right to revenge? How far would you go? I don’t want to give too much away and ruin the movie but it does make you think.

Is hatred and revenge worth the time and toll it takes on a person. Is justice something we can actually depend on to work correctly? Does revenge make you feel better?

WHERE JUSTICE HAS FAILED IN THE PAST

Unfortunately we have all seen instances where the Justice System has failed miserably. O.J. Simpson, George Zimmerman, The West Memphis Three, Margaret Kelly Michaels, and Casey Anthony are just a few instances.

Since 1980 there have been 114 wrongful convictions overturned. The West Memphis Three spent 18 years in prison after being sentenced to the Death Penalty/Life in Prison. With hardly any physical evidence and a town’s prejudice they were found Guilty.

Personally, I like the concept of revenge. Very rarely does one get away with it. My one act of revenge landed me in jail for the evening, a $600 bill for damages, probation for 1 year, and alcohol counseling for 1 year. The person I sought revenge on once again wasn’t held accountable for anything he had done.

Do I still think about revenge? Sometimes. I want all of the people who hurt me to see me now. I want them to try to talk to me and then watch my 140 pound lighter ass walk away. Some deserve more but there are just people in the world who no matter what, still come out of anything unscathed. I’ve learned this now and it does take a lot of energy to hate. I  can’t forgive or forget but I can try to live a better life.

“Revenge, the sweetest morsel to the mouth that ever was cooked in Hell”~ Walter Scott


Dating Someone With Bipolar Disorder

I recently read an article titled “What It’s Like To Date Someone Who Is Bipolar”. It was from Rebel Circus. They had other Mental Health articles that I did not read after reading this one. If the World actually believes half of this crap it’s no wonder I choose to be single. I thought the article was damaging, offensive, and feeds into the stigma of Bipolar Disorder. Here are some of their key points.

  • Bipolar people are erratic.
  • It takes a lot of time and energy for a Bipolar person to keep their conditions under control.
  • When manic their inability to sleep can disrupt your life. You may wake up in the middle of the night and wonder where they are.
  • Their ups and downs will encourage compassion in you and make you want to be a better person. (So glad I could help)
  • We need to be kept occupied and interested because we get bored easily.
  • Bipolar people easily lose their sense of judgment.
  • It’s essential for them to have a significant other that can keep them in line. (WTF)

I don’t know about anyone else but I find all of this to be condescending, ignorant, and stigma inducing.

I agree that I can be erratic at times. I don’t think I need anyone to “keep me in line”. As far as I know I do not sleepwalk or take off in the middle of the night like a vampire. I don’t need anyone to “keep me occupied”. If you have to constantly worry about keeping your Bipolar significant other occupied and interested so they stay with you, there might be other issues in the relationship. No one in my life has become a “better person or more compassionate” because of my Bipolar Disorder. Some of them became the opposite.

I have never been in a “real” relationship. I choose to be single at this point because I am not stable and have physical health problems. I still have not found a way to meet someone that doesn’t involve a bar or online. My anxiety and fear of some men make it harder. These are issues I have to work on. Until I’m physically healthy I can’t.

It’s been almost 5 years since I was diagnosed. My situation is getting worse not better. A total of 30 years dealing with this has taken it’s toll. Never having the answers you want or need is frustrating. Being alone is hard. But if I’m not at my healthiest mentally or physically it isn’t fair to either person. Sometimes I’m afraid I will never be healthy enough to try for a healthy relationship. I wonder if I will always feel unworthy of one. These are things I have to figure out before moving forward.

This article really doesn’t help anyone. Hopefully not too many people without real knowledge of Bipolar Disorder will read it and take it seriously. It’s discouraging and sad.

I’m going to focus on getting as healthy as I can and do what’s right for me. I have to learn to ignore the negative press, comments, and people who are not good for me. I also have to try to let some things go. It’s like banging my head against a wall for years. The same arguments over and over. If you can’t handle me or don’t like me the way I am, that’s your issue. I’m doing the best I can right now. That will have to be enough.

If you see me wandering around in the middle of the night please leave me alone. I like the night. You meet some of the more fascinating people in the dark. They don’t try to keep me in line.


How Do You Find A Psychiatrist?

I have resisted Therapy and changing my Psychiatrist for a long time now. The Therapy thing I have always resisted since my first experiences with it in my early 20’s.

In the last year or so my Psychiatrist is less than stellar. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that he at least have my information up on the screen of his computer before he starts. That way he won’t ask how I’m doing on a Medication that we stopped 6 months ago and he asked about at the last appointment. And maybe he wouldn’t ask what my Primary Care Doctor is doing about my Celiac Disease when I was actually in KIDNEY FAILURE. He was told this on the previous visit also.

He had his jacket on asking if I was “the last one” before I was even there 15 minutes. He also changed my diagnosis in my file again to Bipolar II. He left out the Conversion Disorder, PTSD, and Anxiety Disorders. I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t on Disability and was able to work. Right now I am at the lowest I’ve ever been.

My speech is horrible the last few weeks. The stuttering and crying off and on is draining. My hands shake as I type. My sister threatens me with ultimatums and my father cries. I don’t know what to do.

I look at a Doctor and his/her credentials and see that they have written research papers on Bipolar Disorder and done studies. Then I see they get a rating of 2 from patients. Mostly for the amount of time spent with them. I want the correct diagnosis, that is what the Psychiatrist does. He/She also helps to figure out your medications. They have Pharmacologists to do that now too. The Therapist is the person you talk to and work out your issues with, I would guess. It’s confusing and I do not have the motivation. Getting dressed is a huge accomplishment for me these days. When the temp outside is 18 degrees I am not going anywhere.

So I sit here crying, stuttering, shaking and complaining to myself because no one wants to hear it anymore. I don’t want to hear it anymore.

I did do some things today. I cleaned the kitchen, cut the Pomeranian’s nails, gave her coat a trim, and washed her up. I’m afraid the Pomeranian won’t be with us much longer. She’s almost as old as JoJo was and she has Epilepsy. She has already changed since his death. Her breath smells fishy indicating liver problems, we’ll know more in a few weeks. As long as she is eating, drinking, and not in pain, she’s ok. When she stops having those short bursts of “puppy” moments I know it’s time.

I really hate Winter.


HE

He wasn’t sure he wanted me and disappeared for awhile.

He changed his mind and never left again.

He drank too much and hurt the people around him.

He quit for us when she asked him to.

He worked 50 hours of back breaking work a week to put food on the table.

He gave me Rollo candy and “foot” rides everyday after work.

He watched me become quieter.

He watched as I slowly tried to destroy myself with alcohol.

He stood by as the ambulance would take me away for the 3rd, 4th, time.

He would stand there as his heart was breaking not knowing what to say.

He would watch Tv and Movies with me to keep me sane.

He would lose his best friend and withdraw himself.

He didn’t see as I went back to my old ways.

He was too late to save the day.

He loved me so much he did everything. I couldn’t take his pain anymore.

He held me in his arms the other day and cried.

He held me tight as I cried too.

He said “I love you, you’re my little girl”.

I said “I love you too Dad, no matter what. I love you too”.

 

I’ll be writing a post explaining some of this. My father is a complicated and interesting man.


You Got To Change Your Crazy Ways

They want you to stop talking about your “illnesses”.

They want you to take responsibility for your actions.

They dismiss your feelings and ignore you.

They disbelieve the facts of your illness or conveniently forget them.

They think you just don’t take your meds. Forgetting your kidneys are failing.

They threaten to have you hospitalized when you cry too much over your dog dying.

They don’t answer your phone calls.

They make no effort to understand what you go through.

They sometimes hate you.

They are your family.


When There’s No One At The Other End

Maybe happiness is an illusion. Maybe it is something only meant for some people. I remember my family only having rare happy moments. When we did there was always this feeling that something else was around the corner. We were taught to never expect too much. It was almost as if we were cursed. It became a running joke. One I no longer find funny.

I have no one to talk to. My best friend unplugs her phone for weeks. My sister doesn’t understand the concept “Bipolar”. She tells me to “get my act together” and to “have better control over myself”. You would think as my twin she would know better by now. Our relationship is one of blame and shame. There is little comfort there.

I won’t lie. I am lost. I am overwhelmed. I feel an avalanche of shit has fallen on me. I can’t dig myself out.

Grief is a heavy weight. Stress is too. My father is at the end of his life. I might be too. No one wants to except that or hear it. I want to sleep for a month. My heart is shattered in a million different pieces. I wanted a normal life once. When I lost my mom I realized for the first time that wasn’t going to happen. Then the losses kept coming. Friendships, animals I loved, jobs, respect, humanity. There is nothing left. I put on a fake smile and tell them all I’m fine so they don’t feel guilty about living their own lives. My gift to them. I’ve come to hate some of them. The way they treat me like I’m an idiot. I’m actually the smartest person in the room. For sure I am kindest. The loneliest too. My head hurts with it all. Just one hug is all I ask. Maybe they think I’m contagious. I keep seeing JoJo with his head surrounded by blood. It’s too much and I want to scream. I’ve seen worse. So tired. What I wouldn’t give for my mother’s fried chicken and gravy right now. Screw the Celiac.


Adult Coloring

There is a new crazy trend folks! You guessed it! Coloring Books for adults! I don’t use crayons, I use colored pencils.

Supposedly coloring can be very Zen and calming. It can also stimulate the brain and help in the fight against Alzheimer’s. I’m not sure it help’s in the fight to save my vision. Some of these pictures are so detailed you would have to have 20/20 vision and the hands of a plastic surgeon to do. These I stay away from!

There are plenty of others to pick from. You can get some for free on the Internet or buy a book of them at Barnes & Noble or your local craft store.

After the trauma of the last two days I thought this was just what I needed. I found myself submersed in colors and not thinking of my dog or my dad. My tongue was sticking out as I tried my best to stay in the lines. Everything was going well until Dutch the Bastard Chihuahua came and stole one of my pencils. The Zen was gone.

I will try again but with better barriers. Sometimes it is the simple things from childhood that can make us forget and be happy again. Twister anyone?


I Loved You JoJo

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When I woke up this morning and made my way down the stairs I saw a shape on the hardwood floor. I didn’t have my contacts in so it didn’t hit me right away. Then I could slowly make out the color red. I fell on my knees and didn’t care about the blood that had pooled around his beautiful head. I cradled him in my arms. He had been gone for maybe 45 minutes to an hour. He was 14 years old with a heart murmur. I loved him more than most humans. His name was JoJo. My mom named him that because she had the Beatles song in her head when we got him and his sister Gigi.

Jo was always skittish and only really liked my Dad. He sat in my dad’s lap for years and only slept with him. Gigi was friendly with everyone. She passed away at 6 when my mom who was heavily medicated at the time due to Lung Cancer accidentally let her out one night and she was hit by a drunk driver. How do I know he was drunk? He came back to our house to apologize after switching places with his wife. The police had shown up because I was screaming so loud. She was still considered on our property when he hit her. If he hadn’t been speeding and swerving so bad he never would have. My poor mom didn’t know what was going on. She would be put into a medically induced coma a few days later. (My mom not Gigi).

Yesterday I had to take my Dad to the Emergency Room because he was having tremendous head pain, vomiting and diarrhea. He has Temporal Arteritis. An immune disease that could have killed him. Watching him lying there weak and helpless was scary. It made me realize how alone I am. My sister came and of course tried to take over and criticized every question or comment I made. This morning she told me I make everything worse. I guess I do. I feel deeper, I cry harder, I hurt more than anyone will ever know. Sometimes things hurt me so much I want to rip my own heart out. I want to have so much shock therapy that I no longer know my own name. I want to forget everything that has ever made me sad. Because I’m tired. I just want to sit and smile without a care in the world. Without a thought in my head. I want to be as selfish as everyone else is.


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