Manic Times

I recently stopped taking my mood stabilizer Topamax. Due to a problem with my insurance I couldn’t afford it for a week. During that time my morning crying and irritability seemed to disappear. When I worked the insurance problem and started taking it again the crying and anger came back.

I now feel better but I think I might be in Manic mode. I am more impulsive, my judgement isn’t exactly great, and I just want to run. I want to do things I never got to do and my mind races with ideas. The only thing stopping me is my health and money. I’m agitated and can’t sleep. I looked into flying to Florida for a Rock Festival by myself. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I have not been socially active in years. I’m always afraid my dad will get mad if I go out during the night. He thinks this is the only time people will drink. If I mention a concert or something similar he gets upset. I have stopped living so I don’t rock the boat with him. I have no friends left and my family doesn’t really like to spend time with me. I’m too sensitive and dramatic. They limit themselves to a quick text.

With my health problems and the future being unclear I don’t understand why I can’t take a trip or do something I used to love. There are always a hundred questions. No one thinks I can handle a social environment sober. After seven years of sobriety how am I to know if I stay home much of the time. I only leave the house for groceries. This isn’t living.

I also can’t trust myself to know if this is the Manic part of me or if I really do want to join the land of the living again.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s