The last few days have been really hard. Actually the entire month of February has been difficult for me. Losing another dog, taking my Dad to the ER, my own health, and the anniversary of my mother’s death all in one month. I have no one to talk to about any of these things. Saying I feel alone is an understatement.
Today I tried calling 2 of my aunts, my sister, and even my ex-sister in law. Not one of them answered or returned my phone calls. I miss my mom and wanted to just talk to one of her sisters. I was very close to 2 of them when she was alive. My mom held everyone together. My Dad keeps taking off for hours at a time leaving me alone in the house. He seems to do this whenever I start talking. I know he doesn’t do it on purpose. He just wants to go look at antiques and think about my mom in his own way.
I’m having trouble leaving the house. I don’t want to spend money and there really isn’t anywhere to go in this cold weather. I sit here and obsess about the past and things I should’ve said or did. I then think of all things I did say and do when I was drinking and didn’t know I was Bipolar. The people I hurt, specifically my mom. Then I think I’ll always be alone and I’ll never have a “normal” life. This scares me. At one time my sister or my best friend would say that they would never let me be all alone. They don’t say this anymore. This scares me too. Have I become that bad I’m no longer wanted by family or friends? I can’t blame them. There are days I no longer want to be me.