When I woke up this morning and made my way down the stairs I saw a shape on the hardwood floor. I didn’t have my contacts in so it didn’t hit me right away. Then I could slowly make out the color red. I fell on my knees and didn’t care about the blood that had pooled around his beautiful head. I cradled him in my arms. He had been gone for maybe 45 minutes to an hour. He was 14 years old with a heart murmur. I loved him more than most humans. His name was JoJo. My mom named him that because she had the Beatles song in her head when we got him and his sister Gigi.
Jo was always skittish and only really liked my Dad. He sat in my dad’s lap for years and only slept with him. Gigi was friendly with everyone. She passed away at 6 when my mom who was heavily medicated at the time due to Lung Cancer accidentally let her out one night and she was hit by a drunk driver. How do I know he was drunk? He came back to our house to apologize after switching places with his wife. The police had shown up because I was screaming so loud. She was still considered on our property when he hit her. If he hadn’t been speeding and swerving so bad he never would have. My poor mom didn’t know what was going on. She would be put into a medically induced coma a few days later. (My mom not Gigi).
Yesterday I had to take my Dad to the Emergency Room because he was having tremendous head pain, vomiting and diarrhea. He has Temporal Arteritis. An immune disease that could have killed him. Watching him lying there weak and helpless was scary. It made me realize how alone I am. My sister came and of course tried to take over and criticized every question or comment I made. This morning she told me I make everything worse. I guess I do. I feel deeper, I cry harder, I hurt more than anyone will ever know. Sometimes things hurt me so much I want to rip my own heart out. I want to have so much shock therapy that I no longer know my own name. I want to forget everything that has ever made me sad. Because I’m tired. I just want to sit and smile without a care in the world. Without a thought in my head. I want to be as selfish as everyone else is.