WORTHLESS AND WEAK

I feel the same way I used to feel when I was younger. Without my Bipolar Medications working it all comes back. I’m back to the worthless piece of shit I always thought I was. Only this time I’m skinny instead of fat. I still hear their insults in my head though. “Fat f*cking c*nt”, “Fat cow”, “Hope you never get pregnant because no one would ever know” (the entire room laughs). Elephant noises being made at me at parties, being spit on, and then when they were drunk enough and no one was around it would be the opposite and I couldn’t say anything. I always kept my mouth shut. Most of the time. Until I started drinking heavily and could say what I actually felt. I kind of miss that. I hate this quivering, cowardly, scared, person I am all the time.

When you are constantly having every bad, horrible thing ever done or said to you in your lifetime spinning through your head it’s hard to live.

There are days of manicness mixed in. Days I think I know things and I’m smart. But something or someone always reminds me I’m not. Days I spend large amounts of money on things I don’t need when I have a pile of medical bills. I think of drinking more and more lately. I feel I might not have much time left and I should just have fun while I can. No one is helping me. No one wants to help me. A person shouldn’t have a body temperature of 93 degrees and NOT be in the hospital. Yet I was dismissed. I shouldn’t be down to 119 pounds at 5’6″. I shouldn’t have blurry vision, trouble breathing, red urine, pain in my sides and back, headaches that are from pressure or fluid in my brain, and fatigue while taking Adderall. It’s all in black and white in my file. Things I was never told. I have Diabetes and Hypothyroidism. No one ever told me. No one has told me YET! I went to 2 new Doctors that asked “So I see you Type 2 Diabetes and Hypothyroidism.” My response was “I do?”. Nice of someone to tell me.

I am constantly obsessing over the past. The people I hurt. Did I do enough for my mom when she was alive? Did she know I loved her more than anything in the world? Was my brother in law right? Do I not take ownership of the things I’ve done. Am I just lazy? Did I deserve everything that has happened to me? Do I deserve to live? I’ve actually been told by a few people that I do not. Then I was locked in a Bathroom with a knife and told to kill myself. I was extremely drunk at the time. I believed what they were saying. So I started cutting. Of course I didn’t do it the right way and they laughed at me. One said “You can’t even do that right you stupid bitch”. I believed all of this. Sometimes 20 years later I still do.

Sometimes I wake up and think I’m back at that place and I’m drunk. It is the most horrible feeling in the world. I’m so relieved when I realize I’m home and I don’t live like that anymore. It was worse than I’ll ever really admit.

If my family knew everything I don’t know how they would react. What they do know is sometimes used against me in arguments. That hurts. I drank to feel like a “normal” person. I drank so I could talk to people, so I didn’t always feel like I was outside looking in. To throw it in my face after almost 7 years of sobriety is hurtful.

I don’t know how all of this is going to go. I’m trying to hang in there. I did call a Nephrologist today and called my Urologist to tell them how crappy Mass General went. So I’m still fighting. That has to say something.

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