I woke up too early today. When this happens my dad get’s irritated with me because I interrupt his “relaxation” time. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. Stay in my room and stare at the ceiling until an acceptable time arrives?
I was lying on the couch, not bothering anyone, when he asked “Who are we going to get today?”. I didn’t understand him at first so I asked him to repeat himself. He also said this in a sarcastic way. He repeated it. I asked him what he meant. He said “You know. With you we never how you are going to be when you wake up.” I said “I am Bipolar not Sybil, Dad.” This bothered me. He was so sarcastic about the entire thing.
When I talked to my sister she told me I needed to “lighten up” about what people said to me. She said so what if he was making a joke about my moods. She has mood swings too and her husband jokes about them. She said isn’t that why it’s called “Bipolar”.
Her “mood swings” are not anything like having Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar is going from one extreme to the other in my case. When I am depressed I am in a deep dark hole and my mind tells me that I do not deserve to be on this planet. I look in the mirror in see a piece of shit that has accomplished nothing and never will. Frequently I think about what it would it be like to die even though I try to occupy my brain so I don’t.
My manic episodes are no fun either. I want to crawl out of my skin. I want to party for days without sleeping but don’t. I go on spending sprees. I’m irritable and jumpy. My mind races from thought to thought. I do things without thinking of the consequences.
Bipolar Disorder is not funny to me. When you have been hospitalized, lost everything, treated like shit and allowed it there is no humor in that. I am a sensitive person. I always have been. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me I need to grow a “tougher skin” I would have millions of dollars. You know how I toughened my skin? I drank. I can’t and won’t do that anymore.
So too bad if I don’t see the “funny”, “humorous”, side of Bipolar Disorder. It has caused too much damage. I have caused too much damage. Deal with it. I have to.