How Will I End?

I went to see my Psychiatrist today. I needed to tell him that my medications were no longer working due to the failure of my kidneys. When he greeted me he asked “So did your Primary Care doctor figure out your Celiac problem?”. I just stared at him. On my last visit I had told him that I had gone into kidney failure in June and almost died. Do these doctors not review their notes before each appointment? I felt so let down and like I didn’t matter enough for him to take the time to really look at me.

The other day I was so off and irritated I grabbed a kitchen knife in front of my father and cut into my wrist. It wasn’t deep I just didn’t had no other way to express my pain. I have not done anything like that in many years. I am picking fights with everyone around me. Sometimes the pain is so great I can’t even cry.

I am so scared I will become my Uncle Jimmy. I will die alone on the streets because my family will be sick of dealing with me. They will bury me where they bury the homeless. No one will be with me when I die. I can’t blame them right now.

My medical bills are mounting. I am told I get too much from Disability for any kind of help. I can’t see how this is true. I have a total of $1700 to my name. I’m trying to change my drug coverage because they changed their plan. They want $90 for 5 pills I take for Bipolar Disorder called Viibryd. 5 single pills. The mood stabilizer is a generic and costs $89. My inhaler is $98. Adderall is $199. I had to stop or cut back on my medications. Even though they are not working correctly some is getting into my system.

The Doctor asked if I needed to be hospitalized today. I told him I couldn’t. I go to Mass General on the 26th and Medicare is already going to be charging a huge amount for that. I can’t afford to be hospitalized. They really don’t do much for you at the Hospital we have here. They monitor you, give you Benedryl, and you do arts and crafts. Not much help for me.

I feel lost and alone. Physically I’m in pain and exhausted. Mentally I’m exhausted and feel hurt and angry all the time. I feel my family isn’t making much of an effort. It could just be me. I want my sister to hug me and say everything is going to be ok. She won’t. I want my mom. The anniversary of her death is coming up and I feel her loss more than ever. She always knew what to do. Now there is no one to comfort me. No one to reassure me that I won’t be alone. I’ve driven them all away.

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2 responses to “How Will I End?

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