Suicidal Ideation (Warning Triggers)

For the first time in years I have had thoughts of suicide. My veins are more visible now and as I stared at them today I thought how easy it would be to cut. I picture the blood everywhere and felt a sense of relief.

I thought of my brother in law telling me to take ownership of my actions. This made me think of all the things I’ve done over the years. Even though I’ve apologized to people I’ve hurt there are some things that I can never forgive myself for.

He doesn’t know me, he only knows what my sister has told him. My sister doesn’t even know everything. Hell I don’t even know everything. My brain won’t let me remember some things. What I do remember is bad enough.

I tore apart my family with my actions. I worried my parents constantly which probably put a strain on their marriage. My father blames himself no matter what I tell him. My mother’s last words to me were “I’m sorry I ruined your life”. Even though she was heavily medicated she still must have felt this way.

My sister blames me for not getting the attention she deserved when we were growing up. She believes she was the “good one” and was ignored because my parents were too busy worrying about me the “screw up”.

Maybe all of this is true. Maybe I have not taken responsibility for my actions. Maybe I am selfish. I’ve been too busy trying to stay sober and alive too see anything else.

But my sister would constantly call me crying about her husband. I would always listen. When they needed money I gave it to them. When she needed someone to watch the kids and I could I did. I ignored all the things her husband would say about my brother, my father, and other things I disagreed with just to keep the peace. One time he pushed my dog across the room for begging while he was eating. She yelped and limped for days. I was furious but said nothing because I knew it would cause a big argument.

I didn’t like it when he called my brother a “loser, drunk, pathetic, worthless asshole”. He had no right. He was drinking himself. He was no better. He didn’t know anything about my brother and what he had been through in his life. It was hard to keep my mouth shut and my sister agreed with him.

Here is someone who has never really worked a 9 to 5 job in his life. He has maybe worked 1 job on the books. He’s like Peter Pan. His parents have helped him through out his entire life. They helped them buy their house. He shows no respect for my father. My parents gave them what money they could. They didn’t have to have a huge wedding with an open bar and a 3 week Honeymoon. They smashed open the beautiful wedding chest my father spent months hand carving and engraving for them because they forgot the combination. My father had put gold hinges on it and gold trim. They destroyed it to get to the money so they could book a couples massage and a private dinner on the beach in the Bahamas. My father was so hurt.

To threaten me with Social Services is the ultimate blow. I never stick up for myself. This time I saw red. It was like I was drunk. I wanted him to hit me. I confess I egged him on and let it get to a point it didn’t need to. I reached my end. I had swallowed down enough and kept my mouth shut for too long.

Now I have ruined my relationship with my sister. I am no longer welcome in her life or her children’s. This kills me. I love them so much. My little munchkins. I have nothing left. At least it feels that way. I’m trying so hard to stay in control. How do you get anyone to listen or understand when they are not willing? I am completely alone. I better get used to it.

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About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

2 responses to “Suicidal Ideation (Warning Triggers)

  • gentlekindness

    Your brother in law has the traits of malignant narcissistic personality disorder. Maybe even a psychopathic narcissist because of the incident of him injuring the dog. Have you done any research about these disorders?
    It might help you to know what you are dealing with.
    Very unhealthy for you to have any contact with someone like that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • darie73

      He’s a failed rock star that never grew up and only 1 year sober. He has weekly AA meetings on the phone with a famous singer who fills his head with BS. He still thinks he is going to “make it”. He doesn’t realize that these people used him for years as the “entertainment”. When they were bored during their tour they would call him and fly him out to wherever they were. He was the “court jester”. One of them cared about him but it wasn’t enough to say “Hey buddy you have problem”. It wasn’t until the lead singer publicly made an ass out of himself and HAD to go to Rehab the my brother in law had his “Epiphany”. So it bothers me to have AA quotes thrown in my face when we’re not even talking about sobriety! And to have him throw in the fact that he’s been sober a year was ridiculous. Was that supposed to make him know more? Then I should be a friggin’ genius. I’m still stunned by the entire thing but most of all upset I lost control of my emotions and let him get to me. Thank you so much for responding.

      Liked by 1 person

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