I Wish You Were A Beer

 

I  don’t really wish anyone was a beer. I have Celiac and can’t drink it anyway. Today is one of the few days I’ve thought of drinking again. I won’t because I can’t even handle a cup of coffee and eating Gluten Free Caramels without feeling sick. I do want the pain and guilt to go away.

My  sister thinks her easy solution of my moving out is the answer. It isn’t. I’ve never lived anywhere but the house I grew up in. Your problems move with you.

When the Doctor said at my last appointment in FRONT of my father that my Bipolar meds probably had not been working correctly for some time I thought “well duh!”. My father and sister seem to be clueless when it comes to this and it’s pissing me off.

When your kidneys aren’t working and your Bipolar meds aren’t working and you feel tired, have no appetite, are nauseous all the time, and confused it sucks. It sucks more when no one really notices or are so used to you being sick they don’t know when it’s worse. I never want to bother them because I’M ALWAYS SICK. So it get’s to the point where you are near death before anything get’s done.

My father and I are fighting all the time. He wants to give up on life. I’m trying not to. I don’t want him to. I thought when he got older he would travel a little and enjoy life more. Instead he has dialysis 3 times a week and only cares about his pigeons and selling his clocks. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t save him. I can’t change him just like he can’t change me. He can’t be mean and intimidating anymore either. I won’t take it. I took it from men when I was younger I won’t do it now.

Neither my sister or father understand how sick I am. I’m a Struggling to Stay Sober Bipolar with Acute Kidney Failure and I’ve stumped some very good Doctors with why my Kidneys keep failing. I also have some rare other conditions. They don’t care. One test said Amyloidosis then another said no, one test said I had Monoclonal Gammopathy a protein in your blood that goes along with Celiac that can cause Kidneys to shut down. The Doctors said even though I test positive for this it isn’t why my kidneys failed. There is also a Neuromuscular dysfunction of my bladder but don’t think that is why either. I have abnormal urination. LOL Is there anything normal about me?

Don’t forget I also have Conversion Disorder. Even though it’s diagnosed more frequently a true case is rare. I happen to be one of those rare true specimens that researchers would like to study and film in the name of science. Of course they would have to set off my Conversion Disorder and make it worse to do this. This would involve aggressive loud men, loud metal, dark corners, loud noises, people arguing, death, etc. Sounds fun right? Then I would stutter to the point of being unable to speak at all. Sometimes I have trouble swallowing. Then my hands tremor and eventually it goes to my legs. The stuttering happens daily.

I don’t want sympathy. I want to be left alone. I want my sister to stop saying she “wants her sister back the way she used to be” because I don’t remember what that is anymore.

I want my father to stop threatening me. I’m all he has and he knows it.

I want everyone to pay attention. Do I look healthy to you??? Then stop thinking or saying I’m lazy. I fell on the kitchen floor this morning from standing too fast. I couldn’t lift myself up. The muscle wasting in my arms is so bad I couldn’t lift any part of me. I was there for 2 hours. Is that something anyone would enjoy? By the way my floors are yellow linoleum in the kitchen, old, probably dirty and hard.

Anyone knows a good Urologist/Nephrologist in Boston let me know. My Doctor’s pride is getting in his way. On one hand he says it’s urgent he find me a Doctor in Boston but then hasn’t contacted me in over a week.

About the Holidays. Most people fight with their families. Some people drink too much and fight with their families. Some people fall off the wagon. If you fall off the wagon don’t let shame or what other people say  keep you from trying again. Family? Well, I’ve always believed in family. Lately I’ve come to realize that sometimes they will do you more harm than good. You can still love them but I may have to keep a distance and try to be around more positive environments. If my dad needs me I’ll be there. If my sister needs me it will have to depend on a few things. My brother? Wait, did you know I have an older brother? lol That kind of answers the question.

I watched my mom give away pieces of herself until there was nothing left. Then when she needed support from her family they were nowhere to be found until her funeral. Six brothers and sisters she raised and received nothing in return but heartache. I won’t be like that. She gave the shirt off her back to anyone who needed it. She fed the world. In the end she had nothing left. It sounds selfish but I wish she hadn’t been so giving, she thought by giving she would get love in return. I learned faster it doesn’t work that way.

I have so much to figure out. It’s hard to do when your brain isn’t working right. I’ll give myself until my 43rd birthday on January 11th. No point in doing it now but I do have to make some changes. The one thing standing in my way is fear.

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