Choked up, Fed up

 

I get negative feedback for my honesty and criticism of others when it comes to Addiction and Mental Health. I won’t apologize for my opinions. I have tried to be as honest as I know how to be with my OWN struggles. Maybe it isn’t fair to ask the same of other people. I just don’t think if you are in the public eye that you should out and out lie to everyone. You want to lie to yourself that’s fine but when you have people that look up to you and listen to you, that’s another matter. I know people want privacy. But when you make your problems public that changes.

I have lost so much in my life because I drank for 20 years. I have lost so much in my life by admitting I am Bipolar. I have even lost many things when I started my journey to sobriety. I have lost and lost and lost. I thought there would be more positives when I quit drinking and was diagnosed. There really have not been. It is a struggle I wouldn’t wish on anyone. The one thing that made me feel human I can never do again. There is no medication so far that has made me feel the way alcohol did. But the consequences are too great. I never do anything half way. I can’t have 1 bowl of cereal, I have to have 3. I can’t have 1 piece of cake, I have to have the entire cake. It’s how I’ve always been. I know this.

I don’t enjoy being alone but at the same time I feel I have to be. I’ve hurt too many people I love. I’ve lost too many people I love. That sticks in my head like a song on repeat. And no amount of therapy has been able to fix this. So I get up everyday and try to exist without hurting myself or anyone else. When I say it’s a struggle that’s an understatement. It’s hell. But I do it. And I write this blog in the hope that if someone else feels the way I do that they know they are not the only one.

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About darie73

I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since my early teens. I have lived with Social Anxiety Disorder for even longer. I self-medicated with alcohol for over 20 years, that's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I'm open and honest about my mental health so hopefully one day the system will change. View all posts by darie73

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