Put Me Back

I had one of my surgeries today. My sister took me to the Hospital, dropped me off, and left. I waited for 2 hours alone in my gurney. There was no one to talk to, no one who cared. As I was waking up I remember crying and telling them to just let me go. To put me back wherever I was. It didn’t matter. The Doctor said my sister was coming. I remember crying harder and laughing at the same time. I told him she didn’t love and care less. She got there just as they were putting me in the wheelchair to wheel me out of the hospital. She was supposed to be there earlier. I knew she wouldn’t be there on time. Everyone including the staff knows I have a problem with anesthesia ever since I had ECT. But I was still left alone to deal with my emotional breakdown.

I’ve had enough. I will not do for others that can’t lift a finger for me not even in a crisis. No more begging for their love, bribing for their love, I’m a human being. I’m not a monster, I never intentionally hurt anyone but myself. If you tell me I need to change than you will change. Into thin air. I’ve cried my last tears for people who cry none for me, who don’t even acknowledge my pain. I’m sorry mom. I was expected to keep everyone together after you died. How can I do that when I can’t keep myself together?

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