Honesty and Confusion

Ok, some of you reading this might already know most of what I’m going to say then again I can’t remember if I’ve written about some of it before. Off subject- I really need to brush up on my grammatical skills. Dangling participles, where to put commas, and run on sentences. Although I received an A in English Literature at a college level the other stuff I was never good at.

My day starts at around 10:15 or 10:30 a.m. I get up have a bowl of Rice Chex and take my meds. I will then watch TV for a little while or go on the computer. There is probably crying in between there somewhere. When my Chihuahua was alive he would meet me at the bottom of the stairs first thing every morning wagging his tail. If I was having a really bad day I curl into  a ball on my side, on the couch. Pookie would curl into my stomach and try to lick my tears but I would start laughing because his breath was so bad from eating poop. We did get him to stop eating his own but then he moved on to the Pomeranian’s. This is a learned behavior sometimes when they are born. It wasn’t a lack of nutrition or anything medical. The mother does it when they are first born and some pups pick up on it and it stays with them. Anyway he would do anything to make me happy.

Sometimes I leave the house for a few hours to go to the store or my sister’s house. It isn’t often. Most of the time I’m sitting at home in my pajamas. My father would cook for all 3 of the dogs and feed them. All 3 slept with him. My bedroom is too cluttered to have them sleep with me. I go upstairs to my room around 4 p.m. or 5 p.m. because around this time of day I start to get low and tired. I sit in my bathroom and smoke cigarettes, drink water, Ginger Ale mixed with Orange soda over crushed ice, and watch TV or Movies on my computer. Sometimes I Blog. I take my night meds and around 12:30 or 1:00 I go to bed. This is my life. I usually do not speak to any people all day.

On October 15th I go to another Specialist to find out why I went into Kidney Failure. They want me to have a 5th biopsy. This time it will be riskier and there is a good chance it will destroy my ureter. The ureter is one of 2 tubes that goes from your bladder to your kidneys. I would have to have a fake one made and put in if they damage the one they want to biopsy. I’m told this is the only way to find out what is wrong with me and that it wasn’t a fluke thing. What happened to me mostly only happens to elderly men with prostate cancer. So I am one big mystery. I have stents in now keeping my kidneys functioning. They hurt like hell.

My father finally agreed this morning to let me try to adopt 2 Chihuahua brothers I met at a Rescue. It was love at first sight. They had Pookie’s soul. But now I’m thinking is it fair? Will I change my habits? Will I be healthy enough to take care of them? Will I let it fall to my father who has enough to deal with? Or will this be what makes me finally take that step to change my ways? I did start to clean out my room when I first saw them and thought my dad wouldn’t have a problem with it. I gave up and went deeper into depression when he said no. The 2 of them together do not even equal my 1 Papillon. One is short haired and the other is long haired. Their names are Ham and Eggs. For the hour I was with them I thought everything could be ok. Sometimes I look into the eyes of an animal and I just know. They were both like that. I don’t know what to do.

About my other 2 dogs. I love them but they are not mine. Neither one has ever really paid attention to me. They are my dad’s. Even though Pookie slept in my dad’s room it was me he came to and me he bonded with. I want to do the right thing for the animals. I don’t want to be selfish. They have been at the rescue for a long time because the rescue won’t separate them. They are trained to go on a leash and to go outside they are also crate trained but I’m not fond of keeping dogs in crates. We’ve never done it. I know some dogs feel safe in their crate. Who knows? I’ll wait and see.


8 responses to “Honesty and Confusion

  1. Fuck grammar, we get to do what we want with out language, not the other way round. Grammar, I am not your bitch. He hehehe…..

    I’m absolutely not saying that I’m right, but my view of things, and especially when it comes to dogs actually, is that if there’s any doubt, it’s better not to do it. I broke my own rule once purely because I felt sorry for the dog, and it didn’t turn out well. In terms of your situation, 5 dogs is a lot to have in a house, they behave even more like a pack and things get complicated. There’s nothing wrong with that if it’s what you want though. Pookie is old, right? It makes very good sense to have a younger dog around to love too, so that you’re not quite as crushed when Pookie goes. On the other hand, is he the kind of dog who will be OK with sharing you? Will you manage, considering your health? If you can’t handle things at any point, will your father be OK to cope with 5 dogs?

    I’m sorry if I sound bleak there, I’m actually just playing devil’s advocate and asking the kind of questions I’d be asking myself. Oh and btw I completely agree with you about crates. If you don’t mind me asking, exactly how does the clutter stop Pookie from sleeping in your room?

    I really hope your biopsy doesn’t hit too hard, and that it gives you some sensible answers. I hate the fact that you suffer so far. As I keep saying, it just ain’t right. I’m wishing you all the very best things that could possibly happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re so silly! You just made my day! I’m laughing by myself. Ok, there are only 2 dogs in the house. I’m not at hoarder status yet. lol Pookie has already passed away about 3 weeks ago I don’t know time is weird for me. He couldn’t sleep in my room because he would’ve “marked” everything, everywhere. He may even have pooped out of spite because I was in the bathroom or “my office” as I like to call it relaxing and he couldn’t come in. He was like that. I decided against getting the dogs when I went to the rescue website and saw that they raised the price for them to $300 a piece. As much as I would love to do it, I have to be reasonable. I’m up to almost $3000 in medical bills and there are more to come after the next biopsy.

      Liked by 1 person

    • No problem. I used to read a book a day sometimes 2. Now I can’t really read that much at all. My sister wanted me to read Game Of Thrones! I told her she’s lucky I get her kids names right how am I going 2 keep track of everyone reading that book? The show’s hard enough.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Strongs darling. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. That’s an understatement. You’re amazing. Give yourself credit for getting through the day. If your father is OK with adopting the dogs, I’d say go for it. I sincerely hope you get them!!! Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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