My father had always had the mentality that you never discussed certain subjects around a group of people. When it came to Religion it was up to us to decide what we wanted to believe in. The same with politics. He never pushed us in any one direction. I love him more for that. He might not agree with our choices but he let us make them. I learned a long time ago to keep my mouth shut about most things. There are too many right fighters out there. I refuse to take the bait. They don’t want to have an intelligent conversation where both sides listen, they just want to argue until they are blue in the face and you give in. My mind can’t handle it. Or maybe I’m the right fighter and just don’t want to admit it. Who knows?
I have been sober for 6 years now. I did it without help. My brother-in-law has been sober maybe almost a year with the help of AA. He loves AA. A lot of people do. It just wasn’t for me. I get questioned about it frequently. Why I even feel the need to answer I don’t know. I am tired of lying to people about why it wasn’t for me. So I’ll tell you. I didn’t like the fact that they would say they were not a Religious organization then force you to say the Lord’s prayer at the end of the meeting. This may have been in my geographical location only I don’t know. If you didn’t say it you were given dirty looks and told that you would “fail” in your sobriety. This I did not like. I was told to get on my knees every night and ask for help. If I didn’t I was doomed to fail. I was doomed to fail because I wasn’t ready to get sober yet. Plain and simple. I also have a lot of issues with Religion. I believe in the Earth, the Sky, the Ocean, Wildlife, things of that nature anything else I’m not sure of. As for Politics we’ll leave that for another day.
On my way to my sister’s house today a very expensive sports car flew by me. It was orange and had religious sayings painted all over it. My first thought was “jackass”. My second was if I did that with my beliefs on my car I’d be pulled over every 10 minutes. So what gives some people the right to do this and not others? How come some people can tell me I should be sterilized but if I respond I’m the one to get flagged or called names? So I continue to stay silent like I always have except here. Because the real world doesn’t listen to someone like me and it never did. I am invisible in the real world.
A Family member said to me recently ” you must get asked out a lot now that you’re thin, I mean you were always pretty but fat”. What do you say to that? I wanted to shock her and say ” actually I got more men when I was a fat drunk” but I didn’t. It’s true but I kept it to myself. I have not interacted with the opposite sex in about 6 and half years. I have to figure myself out first. There’s still so much to do but I can’t force it. I do have to find my voice, stutter or not. Swallowing all this negativity will eventually kill me.
So the next time someone tries to lecture me on AA or asks an inappropriate question I am going to answer them. If they don’t like my answer they shouldn’t have asked.