I wish I had a tiny camera in my head that would show the world what one day is like for me. I still wouldn’t be understood but maybe just maybe it would be a start.
A typical day starts with me waking up in pain from my neck, head , and shoulders. I usually wake up crying or with the feeling that I am going to cry. I make myself get out of bed and go downstairs to have breakfast. I take my morning meds. I am irritable, sad, lonely, and tired until about 2 p.m. I can’t find anyone willing to engage with me whether it’s texting or on the phone. Once in awhile I do. If my dad isn’t having a good day and is slamming doors or whatever I will start stuttering and crying. Sometimes around 2 p.m. I feel like I’m going stir crazy and have to leave the house. Today I had to go to the pharmacy where the lovely pharmacist made me sound like a junkie looking for a fix. She did this loud enough for other customers to hear. Of course I stuttered and tried not to cry. I was trying to get my Klonopin filled but was a few days early. The Dr. knew because I am going through withdrawal from Viibryd but he forgot to call it in. This pharmacist in particular is rude to me every time. So I left feeling like crazy loser. I then tortured myself with thoughts of my mom for awhile. Moved on to my sister, and then worried about my dad. Last but not least I thought I would throw in the “I’ll be alone for the rest of my life” bit. I don’t remember the drive to the mall. I didn’t even buy anything. That’s how bad it is. Had a panic attack in one store and had to leave. I sat in my car crying for 45 minutes then went home. This is a typical day for me. It doesn’t matter that I am being weaned off a med this still happens. People wonder why I get upset when they say stupid things about me “being the one in control” and “life is what you make it”. You think this is what I wanted? When I was younger I wanted kids, a husband, a house. Instead I spent 20 years drunk and now I’m going through early menopause at 42. Yup this is what I chose. A life of leisure, a bowl of laughs, it’s the best. Now excuse me while I vomit from withdrawal.
So I am not connected to any Social Media anymore. It just isn’t worth my sanity at this point and time. I’m not at a stable place where I can see things objectively. It’s all or nothing. I get hyperfocused on people, places, and things.
I am being weaned off of Viibryd right now. I have gone from 40mg to 20mg. I’ll do this for a week then go to 10mg. This is so I can try Brintellix. At this point I’m wondering if I should have sucked it up and done ECT again. The withdrawal is horrendous. I want to crawl out of my skin, I’m agitated, having crying spells, scared, panic attacks, muscles hurt, insomnia, itchy, a feeling of impending doom. It’s killing me. I wish my Dr. had upped my klonopin just to get through this. My poor dad was in tears because I’m on the bathroom floor rocking back and forth crying hysterically while talking to myself. He never cries and I HATE that I’m the reason. Forget about my sister. She sent a text saying she was here for me except on weekends and then listed all these other times and days too. So pretty much that means she isn’t there for me. Not surprised. Sick of it but not surprised. I’ve given up trying with her. I’ll have to find another way. The info on the med scares me but there is nothing left to try. So I will push through it.
I went to the doctor today. He gave me a new medication to try. I’m pretty sure my insurance will give me a hassle about covering it and the co-pay will be ridiculous. The side effects sound fun. Another 6 weeks waiting to see if I can climb out of the 12 foot hole. Right now there isn’t one person to talk to.
It’s the isolation that’s getting to me. Years ago around this time I would be surrounded by people. I would be laughing and flirting. I would also be drunk. Depending on the environment and my mood I would either stay happy or the worm would turn and things would get ugly. I still miss it sometimes. Not the drinking, but getting ready to go out, laughing with my best friend and socializing. Of course I could only do that with alcohol. Now I could do it without it. I just don’t want to alone. At my age everyone is coupled up or has a set group of friends. So I stay home. And think too much. About the would’ve, could’ve, should’ves. It’s an endless cycle of self torture. Someday I’ll figure it out. Someday I’ll forgive. But not today.
Everyone has to make their own decisions on how they treat their Depression, Addictions, Disorders, etc. I was at the end of my rope and couldn’t fight anymore after being in a depressive episode about a year. The last medication left me hallucinating. Seeing images of myself hanging from trees at the library. It was all I could take. I was sober but clearly not well. In a moment of impulse I had myself admitted to the hospital for ECT. Better known as shock therapy. Everyone experiences this differently. If I had been able to stay at the original hospital things might not have been so bad. But they found a blip on my EKG and were not equipped for if I had a heart attack. I was sent to a nearby hospital and that is where things went downhill.
There was one person there that showed compassion and sympathy. I don’t remember his name. I don’t remember quite a few things from that time and what I do remember isn’t pleasant. He worked as an orderly and was from Nigeria? Please forgive me if I’m wrong, he had a beautiful voice and spoke kindly. He was one of the few to treat me as a person and not a nuisance. For that I thank him. He never doubted my feelings or thoughts. I suspected this man had seen a few horrors of his own, it was in his eyes.
Even today when I am treated with unexpected kindness I cry. I try to hide it because I am so used to being reprimanded for it. Why? Why can’t I show my emotions without being seen as weak, weird, or crazy? I have always been sensitive for as long as I can remember. And I’ve always gotten in trouble for it. So now I have to hide, showing nothing. Anger is never allowed. I’m afraid if I open that box there will be no end to it. So it festers and boils indefinitely.
I just finished an article about Self-Worth. It said that my self-worth doesn’t depend on the approval of other people and I’ll never please everyone. I also can’t control what other people think or do. I am somewhat smart, and have read all of this before. I still continue the behavior. I’ll explain.
My twin sister and I have been disagreeing a lot lately. It is to the point where she doesn’t even really want to talk to me. On Wednesday I spent most of the day baking Gluten Free Peanut Butter Cookies with Peanut Butter & Chocolate Chips in them. I also bought these colored pencil kits she was talking about and gathered together all free samples I had. I’m a cosmetologist and still get samples, some are expensive. My thinking was if I gave her all this stuff she would love me. I brought my scissors too just in case. The hair stuff I only brought because she called the day before to invite me over and at the end of the conversation she mentioned she messed up on her color and tried to cut it herself. So she was actually inviting me over for a reason. I knew this and tried to buy or bribe her for affection anyway.
I do this with most people. I make jewelry. I don’t sell it. If someone says they like something I give it to them. I’ve given about 20 pieces to my hairdresser, I don’t count it as a tip that would be rude. The difference with her is she has sold a few for me and put some on Pinterest saying the kindest things about me. She appreciates them and built a rack to display them. She’s always excited to see me and gets mad when I bring her too much stuff. Somehow she knows why. It makes me cry. Which I was reprimanded for yesterday and told I would have to go home if I started crying.
My sister insists I need to go to a day group and a therapist. She’s never been to a day program around here or anywhere. It isn’t pleasant. At this time my brain will not take in therapy. I blank out. I’ve had 3 doctors say I can just talk at someone but CBT or DBT would be a waste of time right now. I’ve lost a significant amount of white matter and I still have swelling in the left ventricle who knows why? I get lost driving with my GPS!!! But I will going to the doctors that I’ve been avoiding because now I’m falling down.
Starting today I will not buy or make anyone anything unless they pay me. I shouldn’t feel like I have to bribe family members to spend time with me or love me. I’m a good person or at least I try to be. It’s time to remember that.