Today I had a visit with my sister and one of my nephews. I brought her some shirts that don’t fit anymore, a Chromecast, hair color, shampoo & conditioner, and dry shampoo. And a coffee. She enjoyed all of it and said she was happy to see that I was like “my old self again”. I am almost weaned off of the Viibryd and start taking Brintellix tomorrow.
I wasn’t “my old self again”. I was the same as I always am I just brought gifts and made sure I didn’t cry in front of her and kept the conversation about things SHE was interested in only. I gave in to her wanting me to “change”. If that’s what it takes to see my nephews and have some contact with her I’ll do it for now.
I’ll put my mask on, the one that shows I’m a happy well adjusted adult with not a care in the world. I’m used to this one it fits like a glove.
The next week will be extremely difficult. Going on a new medication always is for me. Physically and emotionally. I have been thinking about the past too much lately. My mom, not talking to my best friend, what I have missed out on and what is too late to fix. I wish I could have reassured her that I loved her and all of my actions were of my own doing. There was nothing she did wrong as a mother. I wish her last words to me were not I’m sorry I f**ked up your life. It will haunt me forever. I have to remember she was heavily medicated and would never normally say anything like that.
Something positive, I have started to forgive my sister-in-law for petty things in the past. I have started talking to her more, she really doesn’t have a lot of support herself. It’s time for me to step up and be a good Aunt to those kids too. I love them and it isn’t their fault they have my brother for a father. So some good and bad. That’s life.